Today's Quote of the Day reminds me of a Gina Yashere gag. After complaining to her mother about her lack of a boyfriend, Gina's mother replies, "Don't worry, men are like buses: none come along for ages and then they're rubbish."
Luke L, London, UK

Rick P (Tuesday's letters), I'd imagine that a breeding pair of Morris dancers would be quite difficult to find. My understanding is that only men are allowed to be Morris dancers??
Catherine L, Glasgow

Re Arsenal 'interested in Arshavin': Sometimes you need to go a long way to beat juvenile humour.
Steve Norris, Eastleigh, Jonkoping, Pennsylvania

The caption writer of these photos obviously got a little bored by the time he got to caption nine. Good work!
The Bob, Glasgow

It's my birthday today and so for the first time ever I decided to do that bringing cake to the office thing to find out why people do it. I still don't understand. I have to pay for my own birthday cake and I don't even like cake. What *should* I have got out of doing this?
Chris Clarke, Oxford

Why Paper Monitor, what a beautiful singing voice you have.
Bala Bear, Queensland, Australia

Tut tut, Paper Monitor - "une certain age"? Well, "age" (even though you omit the circumflex) is masculine, so "certain" at least was correct, "une" however was not. I distinctly remember the voice of my French teacher 50 years ago listing the "-age" nouns which are masculine: rage, nage, age, cage, plage, image...
Geoffrey, Rome, Italy
Monitor note: Disciplinary proceedings have been launched.

Who is this Dennis Junior who often appears to open the comments on many Magazine Monitor sections? Is this to test the system, to give instruction or merely an insomniac or shift worker eager to give his, always pertinent, two-pennies-worth?
Adam, Manchester

What's this?

There is no woman of une certain age gracing the front page of the Daily Mail. Not one. Whither Dame Helen Mirren in swimwear, Liz Hurley in a low-cut dress, Ulrika-ka-ka or Camilla laughing next to a horse? For all are Mail's poster women/whipping girls for having it all (but not too much, mind).

All have been ousted in favour of another icon that is elegant, hard-working but ultimately starting to show its age, and anxiously eyeing younger models. Yes, it's a big picture of an incandescent bulb. Bayonet variety.

The headline bellows: "THE GREAT LIGHTBULB REVOLT. Robbed of the right to buy traditional lightbulbs, millions are clearing shelves of the last supplies."

Sounds familiar. Very familiar.

But it's business as usual over at the Daily Star - which reminds Paper Monitor, it has yet to secure a copy on a Friday to read its new political columnist, Lembit Opik (past Paper Monitor).

Its front page is a masterclass in avoidance - LA LA LA what credit crunch LA LA LA Hamas who LA LA LA can't hear you. The front page splashes with Chanelle set to "sex up" the Celebrity Big Brother House. Chanelle. Which one's she? A Page Three girl? A former BB housemate? Wait, got it - she's both. Right?

And perhaps Paper Monitor is showing its age, but the Financial Times headline "Darling in new alert of depth of recession" has something of a Blackadder effect.

Does the Chancellor have a similar relationship to his surname as Captain Darling, the devious, clever assistant to General Melchett, who was so named for comedic effect and twitched every time he was so called?

Or are Paper Monitor's musings simply its own version of LA LA LA great black clouds, what great black clouds LA LA LA?

The campaign to raise funds to put adverts on buses bearing the legend "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life" was launched in October. Now 200 buses will be taking to the streets in London, with 600 more around the rest of the country.
More details (the Daily Telegraph)

So nominative determinism hits golf clubs (or should it be the other way round)? No surprise though that the Ping should be the loudest.
Graham, Purmerend, Netherlands

I'm still here! Has the New Year depression finally caught up with Monitor? Has the letter's post followed Woollies and Whittards into administration? Will our letters be restricted to Tuesdays, Wednesdays and every other Friday? Help!
Rachel, London
Monitor note: Apologies. Due to some pesky technical gremlins yesterday's letters finally appeared this morning.

As one of the last breeding-age specimens of the Morris dancer species left (I'm 21), I think I deserve endangered species status. My habitat (the pub) must be protected and a breeding pair found with all haste.
Rick P, Cambridge, UK

Re: Broken Wedgwood. What a Waterford world it won't be.
Candace, New Jersey, US

"The group borrowed their name from a 1984 JG Ballard novel." Does this mean that they're going to give it back when they've finished with it? And, more confusingly, what title is the novel currently using while the band have borrowed its name?
Rob, London, UK

Now is no time for punning.

Punning is for stories of animals that seem to think they are other animals. Punning is for surveys about the sex habits of the British.

Punning is not for stories about people losing their jobs.

So the Daily Mirror headline "BROKEN WEDGWOOD SHATTERS 2,700 JOBS" is a bit naughty. Did you see what they did there? Do you get it? DO YOU GEDDIT?

A hat is subtly tipped, though, for their recognition of the African elopers story (kiddie sweethearts from Germany who set off with plans to get married in Africa).

The paper fills page 15 with the charming story. It's a long way from the Daily Express which regards it as a bit of mere "grouting" (a couple of pars that fill the cracks between other stories).

Over in the Sun, council shenanigans are the order of the day. The paper is so excited about the idea of councillors going off on one that it has a lead on page six and a lead on page 27. The first one is headlined "PEN-PUSHERS ON £2k 'DIVERSITY' JUNKETS". Taxpayers must foot a "huge bill". The second story is "TOWN HALL'S £10K ON 'PIGEON AWARENESS'". There is a "huge bill" to talk about birds.

Who will stop the madness?

Rail enthusiasts are protesting at the number of people who have been stopped on platforms with their cameras and notebooks. British Transport Police figures show that between October 2007 and September 2008 almost 160,000 people were questioned by police.

More details (the Sun)

"Revived 45 heads for 60th birthday". Did this headline give anyone else an image of strange shrunken heads being revived by some Frankenstinian process for their 60th deathday?
M Ross, Lancaster, UK

This is nominative determinism; except that it's the wrong sort of problem on the line.
David, Romford

I don't know if any other Swedish speaker has commented on this, but the word Hoj (pronounced Hoy) is the Swedish slang word for bicycle. Congratulations to Sir Chris Hoy.
Vic Howard, Helsingborg, Sweden

"There are very few words sang at an evensong"? Really? I'm in a church choir, and you could have fooled me... (Okay, the words may be in Greek or Latin, but still.)
Susannah, Northampton

Am I the only one who finds the reference to sons in paragraph seven in this article a little disturbing?

Tim H, Southport, UK

New Year felicitations seem to be thin on the ground among those charged with balancing the books at the Times.

Just when Britain is waking up to the hangover of its post-Christmas credit card bill, the paper's bean counters have slapped another 10p on the masthead price. It means that for the first time in Paper Monitor's extensive, though admittedly not faultless memory, the Times no longer holds the mantle of the budget broadsheet - a title that, for the moment at least, is claimed by the 80p Guardian.

The Times' hike puts the paper on level price pegging with the Daily Telegraph, although loyal readers of the latter may be a tad miffed to know that at least some of their outlay may have found its way into the hands of Somali warlords.

Paper Monitor is of course referring to the welcome release of the Sunday Telegraph's chief foreign correspondent, and his accompanying photographer, from the clutches of Somali gunmen.

The Telegraph manages to relate the whole story without so much as a sniff of the "R" word, but the Guardian is less coy. Local journalists, the paper reports, where the men were kidnapped, claimed a large ransom was paid. A spokesman for the Telegraph declined to comment.

Even if money did change hands, the Telegraph at least, is getting bang for its buck - with a front-page piece by the released captive himself.

And the paper's faithful readers will find their hearts warmed by this Rupert Brooke-ish moment in the report of their kidnapped man's time in captivity.

"On Christmas Day he... managed to listen to a crackly carol service broadcast from India."

Any patrons passing through the lobby of the Cineworld in Boldon, Tyne and Wear, would have been rather surprised to see a horse loitering near the popcorn. The animal had escaped from a farm some distance away and was apparently sent cantering through the automatic doors by a young girl blowing a raspberry at it.
More details (Mail on Sunday)

1. Sharks have weak jaws.
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2. Since 1972, 24 "leap seconds" have been added to the world's "time" because of the earth's slowing rotation.
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3. Blind children used to be taught to write Braille right to left, so it could be turned over and read left to right.
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4. Using both hands to read Braille achieves an average speed of 115 words per minute, compared with 250 words per minute for sighted reading.

5. Gold medal winner Chris Hoy was inspired to cycle by ET.
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6. Jatropha plant oil can be used to fuel planes.
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7. Dieting impairs your ability fo fight flu.
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8. Chinese people spend three times longer online, for leisure, than the average Danish person.
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9. Only older mosquitoes pass on dengue.
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10. Our facial expressions are hardwired into our brains rather than learned during life.
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Seen 10 things? Send us a picture to use next week. Thanks to Catherine Spencer for her picture of 10 pigeons in Lancashire.

I suppose we should be grateful that the train operating companies are doing their bit to fight deflation.
Michael Hall, Croydon, UK

Perhaps the Monitor could take a leaf out of Tom Algie's book, take a well-earned day off and leave the letters page open and unmoderated? A polite note would ensure that people only submitted pertinent and succinct letters, witty and impeccably spelt with just a soupcon of ambiguity or inaccuracy to generate a handful of clever-clever replies for the week ahead.
Mike, Newcastle upon Tyne
Monitor note: Go to it, using the comments form below

Yet more nominative determinism - who would have thought that Dr Carr would be hiding a rare Bugatti in his lock-up?
Tink, Reading

Readers will have to wait until then to see Paula Lewis' winning design for the front cover. Apologies for the hold-up.

And without any hint of cynical ingratiation, the Monitor would like to wish all its readers a happy new year.

As home-grown New Year festivities reached full frenzy too late for yesterday's papers, today's Daily Mail makes up for lost time with a double-page spread depicting worse-for-wear revellers.

While the blokes pictured are, to a man, bloodied, the laaaaydies are comatose with drink. And not a coat or scarf among them. Any could be a successor to Drunk Girl, whose image illustrates a thousand articles on binge drinking.

One in particular could be Drunk Girl's sister, and will no doubt be added to the Mail picture desk's stockpot. She sits on the pavement in her party frock, high heels and opaque tights (sensible choice). Her head rests in her hands, hair flopping forward, obscuring her face. And in the background, a discarded can of Carling gleams in the sulphuric light of a street lamp.

Meanwhile, the picture desk has been kept busy playing mix and match in a feature entitled "CELEBRITY HAIR SWOP". Incidentally, why do they spell "swap" that way?

Six "iconic" dos - Kate Winslet's blonde waves, Katie Holmes' dark bob, Agyness Deyn's peroxide crop etc - are spliced onto the faces of Britney, Nigella, Kylie, Madonna, Cheryl et al. And the results? Britney should go brunette. Again. And Catherine Zeta Jones should consider bleach-blonde and choppy - a huge departure from her usual look, but one which, strangely, works.

And finally, a mini-epic (is such a thing possible?) of a headline. "They're one of the countryside's most majestic sights - but ravenous, sexually voracious deer are laying waste to vast swathes of Britain. So is it time to start slaughtering these..."

Who, who? Can't be binge-drinkers again, as "majestic" doesn't really apply...

"... VANDALS WITH ANTLERS"

Yes, countless wild deer are munching their way through the vineyards, market gardens and woodlands of Britain - "more than at any time since Edward the Confessor sat on the throne in the 11th Century".

An extraordinary claim, perhaps the most extraordinary unit of measure used since, er, Edward the Confessor sat on the throne in the 11th Century.

The bad news in our good-natured postal experiment is that two did not make it in time for Christmas, despite being sent second-class on Thursday, 18 December - the last day for second-class Christmas post.

The last recipient accounted for was Natalie Ellis in Bradford, who got in touch yesterday to report that her partner had forgotten to mention that it did arrive last Saturday. And it now has pride of place on her mantelpiece.

So nearly all the cards arrived on time. Well done, Royal Mail. After all - to misquote Meat Loaf - 23 out of 25 ain't bad.

"This is why we moved to Settle. The shop would have been cleaned out in two-and-a-half minutes in Bolton" - Comment placed in honesty box in hardware shop unmanned on Boxing Day

Tom Algie wanted Boxing Day off from his hardware shop in Settle, North Yorkshire, but so did his staff. His answer was to leave the shop open and a note appealing for customers to leave the right money in an honesty box. He took £187.66, with no evidence of pinching, he said. And of course he got a bit of free publicity.
More details (Daily Mail)