Disability

Full transcript of A game of Disability Dilemmas

Full transcript of the Ouch Christmas Quiz: A game of Disability Dilemmas - as presented by Beth Rose with Nikki Fox, Gary O'Donoghue and Simon Minty.

BETH - [bells jingling] Hello, and welcome to the Ouch Christmas Quiz. I'm Beth Rose and I'm today's host, basically because none of my blind colleagues could read the script quick enough it turns out.

GARY - Oh!

BETH - But anyway, I'll be putting tricky scenarios…

GARY - That's low. That's a low blow.

NIKKI - That's the lowest blow.

BETH - But it's true it turns out, according to the editors who laughed when I finally twigged how the junior got to present it. But I shall be putting tricky scenarios to some of the BBC's top disabled talent. So let's meet our three guests. She's a presenter on the long running TV consumer show, 'Watchdog'. She sometimes sings with Paralympians in cars and is also the BBC's disability correspondent. It's Nikki Fox.

NIKKI - Oh, that was a brilliant introduction, thank you, thank you. [applause]

BETH - And how are you Nikki?

NIKKI - I'm good, I'm really excited about doing this. Lovely, we've got a bit of a party going on in the studio today haven't we?

BETH - We have. We should say we've got bucks fizz, Celebrations, the mince pies are yet to come, but one of our guests isn't even in the country, so he's missing out.

NIKKI - I know.

GARY - Yes, I am.

NIKKI - One day Gary, one day.

BETH - So how is 'Watchdog'? What have you been up to?

NIKKI - Oh it's brilliant. No, I mean we did really well, we actually won an RTS award.

BETH - Well done.

NIKKI - Woo-hoo! Recently. It's the first award I think 'Watchdog' has won, so that was brilliant.

SIMON - Since you've been on the show.

NIKKI - Yeah, well I wasn't going to say Simon, but…

SIMON - Well, someone's got to. That's brilliant.

NIKKI - I think in my speech I did say it was because they employed a disabled. We won! And there was a ramp there so I knew that we had it in the bag to be honest. [laughter]

SIMON - Nice.

BETH - Perfect.

NIKKI - So I was like wahay! But yes, so it's going really, really well, we've got another series coming up next year, obviously mixing that with the day job as well, disability correspondent, you know, I look at bit feral.

BETH - Why?

NIKKI - I'm not going to lie, I've had a tiny bit of Botox in the forehead, just to freshen up.

BETH - Have you?

NIKKI - Yeah. Well, I'm not sleeping. You know, it's quite a lot to handle all the two.

BETH - Wow. Also, I was doing my research beforehand.

NIKKI - Oh yeah?

BETH - Professional, so I was looking at Wikipedia, and you studied music?

NIKKI - Oh I did, I know. I was a bit terrible, I mean I did it for a degree so I can't have been that terrible, but I did get a 2:2, you know.

BETH - Well done.

NIKKI - I mean I played piano. I played piano really, really well actually, I was like grade eight, [laughs] and then after my music degree I don't know why I find this funny, it's actually very depressing, but after my music degree I was like, oh I'm done with music now, let's move onto the next thing. I never played, now I can't play anymore, my fingers have gone too stiff.

BETH - Oh, no.

NIKKI - So there's a lesson. Always practice.

BETH - Well, welcome to the show Nikki.

NIKKI - Thank you. It's a pleasure, thanks for having me on.

BETH - Now, round buttons for white shirts and stars for blue. That's how he chooses his clothes, according to 'The Daily Mail', but will he choose good answers for the dilemmas we're about to put to him. It's the man who talks about US politics on the telly. He's BBC Washington correspondent, Gary O'Donoghue. [cheering]

GARY - Never believe what you read in 'The Daily Mail'.

BETH - So is that not true?

GARY - Well, it's kind of true. I'm a bit lax really, I just wear anything.

BETH - What colour are you wearing today? What button did you choose?

GARY - I've got a black jumper, I know that because it's got a big hole in it and I know the one with the hole in is the black one. So how about that? That's a start isn't it?

BETH - That sounds very good. And also Washington correspondent, I'm guessing it's been a fairly quiet year for you.

GARY - Oh yes, nothing much happening over here at all, you know? Yes, things truck along, we've got nothing to talk about. It's been absolutely manic, it's been non stop, it's morning, noon and night. You wake up in the morning and the President has made his presence felt on social media and you go to bed at night and he's done it again. And it keeps us all in work.

BETH - Well, that's good. I did a bit of Wikipedia research on you as well Gary…

GARY - Oh my God.

BETH - And so you were a player for the England…

GARY - I didn't do it, honestly I didn't do it.

BETH - …for the England blind football team. You're an England footballer?

GARY - I was. I was, many, many moons ago, I have to say.

BETH - So who did you play against?

GARY - I remember we played a tournament in Spain, right in the south of Spain, down in Cadiz, and we got actually pretty hammered. And I was about 17 at the time. I have a distinct memory of for the first time ever on a football field having someone spit in my face and that had never happened to me before. And pull my shirt. And I thought well this is a rough old game isn't it? So I did it back. [laughs] So yes, I did, but those days are sadly long gone, I have gone to seed since then.

BETH - Ah. And last but by no means least he's a disability and diversity consultant, he's co-founder of disabled comedy group, Abnormally Funny People, but most importantly to us, he presents the award-winning Ouch Talk Show podcast with Kate Monaghan. Hello Simon Minty. [cheering]

SIMON - Hi Beth.

NIKKI - I love Simon.

BETH - On the opposite side of the table today compared to normal.

SIMON - It's nice being a guest and not the host. I can see the fear in your eyes.

BETH - I know. I'm trying to concentrate and read the words out of the corner of my eye. Also, an interesting fact about you Simon…

SIMON - I haven't got a Wikipedia page.

BETH - You haven't, no.

SIMON - No, exactly. [laughs]

BETH - But, I was thrilled to discover that you were the Travel X Travel Writer of the Year 1999 on your own website.

SIMON - Yes. That was my TV career, very briefly. I went to China and did a documentary in China and I loved it.

BETH - That's very impressive.

SIMON - Thank you very much.

BETH - I also enjoyed the pictures on your website, where you had slightly longer hair?

SIMON - That was about the same time yes, 20 years ago, just sort of out of university and still a hippy and… yeah.

BETH - Yeah, there's a touch of that.

SIMON - Thank you very much.

BETH - So, to the rules of today's dilemma game. So are you all ready? Prepared?

SIMON - No, we have no idea what's going on.

GARY - I'm not prepared.

NIKKI - I didn't know we had to prepare!

SIMON - It's going to be terrifying.

BETH - That's the best way. So first of all a big shout out must go to Radio 4's 'Dilemmas' panel show and 'Do The Right Thing' podcast, because we've pretty much stolen their idea. But in front of me, I've got a list of disability related dilemmas, one for each of you, and if you tiebreak, spares as well, should competition get fierce.

Now, your job is to tell us what would you do if placed in a situation we put you, and you also have to explain and justify your answers. You'll get a shot at each other's questions and there are extra points to be gained because it's Christmas. Okay, so I'll give you a dilemma, you give me an answer and then the rest of you can chip in with your better answers. Now, it's a bit of a…

GARY - Are we allowed to just pass though?

BETH - No, of course not!

SIMON - And must we sort of squeeze a disability reference in or does that not matter?

BETH - Mm-mm, I think that will naturally come to you.

SIMON - Okay.

BETH - I think so. It's quite a tricky game to score though, so to my left is the glamorous adjudicator, my Carol Vorderman, Mr Damon Rose.

DAMON- I'm styling myself more on Richard Osman than I am Carol Vorderman.

BETH - Not Rachel Riley?

DAMON - Or Rachel Riley yes, I quite like to style myself on Rachel Riley.

BETH - So you're the scorer, so how are you scoring then?

GARY - I…

DAMON - Gary?

GARY - I beat Rachel Riley in 'Celebrity Mastermind' I'll have you know.

BETH - Did you?

NIKKI - Can we not talk about 'Celebrity Mastermind' please?

SIMON - Nikki's been on 'Celebrity Mastermind'.

GARY - I nearly fell off the stage when we recorded that, you know. I was walking back from the blooming chair [laughter] and Miles Jupp had to jump up and run across because I was about to step off the edge. He saved me.

NIKKI - It was a tight turning circle though, because I was on my scooter and to get round I nearly went off the end. We can talk about this over coffee Gary when you come back to the UK.

BETH - Is it not the most terrifying gameshow though?

NIKKI - Oh, don't even… It's the gift that keeps on giving, in such a bad, bad way for me, it haunts me. I did really well, my specialist subject was Kate Bush, and I live and breathe Kate Bush and I know everything so I did really, really well. General knowledge? "Pass, pass, pass." I'm actually, they've done a compilation of everyone that passes, and it's just me. No, it's just me.

BETH - Were you getting hotter and hotter?

NIKKI - It terrified me. I mean, oh I can't even… Gary, how did you do? Because I came last.

GARY - I came second, but the best bit was getting a dressing room with a star on the door.

DAMON- So, in answer to the question we are looking for answers that are entertaining, informative, or even perhaps a bit subversive.

BETH - Ah.

GARY - Do we do that on the BBC?

DAMON- Not very often.

BETH - The first question goes to Mr Gary O'Donoghue.

GARY - Oh, why me first? [laughter]

BETH - It's Christmas Day, and everyone is sitting around opening their presents. You unwrap Aunt Gertrude's gift to find that it's something wholly unsuitable for someone with your impairment. Think deaf person receiving an audio book, or a person with brittle bones getting a trampoline. How do you react?

GARY - Well, I suppose it depends what it is, but I'm guessing perhaps something like a, I don't know, maybe a print of something or… Or what about, I mean it could be a beautiful thing that's completely useless like a set of car keys. That would be tricky wouldn't it?

BETH - Have you ever had a terrible gift? For your impairment, not just generally.

GARY - I'm far too much of a gentleman to say so. I don't honestly know. I do remember as a child pestering my parents for one of those little sort of hand held space invader machines and realising when I got it that I literally couldn't use the thing at all and having to pretend.

BETH - Ah!

GARY - Just so my mum wasn't upset. That was a terrible day, that was a terrible day. But what do I do? How much do I dislike Aunt Gertrude?

BETH - I think you get on, you've got each other's backs.

NIKKI - She's really nice.

GARY - Is she?

NIKKI - Yes, she's really nice.

SIMON - And normally her presents are quite good, it's a bit of a blip this year isn't it?

NIKKI - Yes.

BETH - Last minute I would imagine.

GARY - Okay. Well I think the worst thing would be to sort of do the explanation wouldn't it? I'm not going to sort of take her aside and say, "It's terribly kind of you," you know, the really considerate disabled thing you're meant to do, and you say, "Really, really thanks very much for that, I just wanted to point out that, A, B, C, D and E and blah, blah, blah, and this is the way to do it in future. I don't want to make a thing of it," blah, blah, blah. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to say, "It's fine Aunt Gertrude," and then it goes straight on eBay.

NIKKI - Yes, "Gertrude love, I'm selling this on eBay, thanks anyway. Have a think about next year."

GARY - Yes.

BETH - What about you Nikki and Simon? Worst present and what would you do?

NIKKI - Oh, worst present? I get very excited at Christmas, always apparently from being a child I used to just sort of unwrap whatever it was and get excited by the paper, the bubble wrap, and not just when I was tiny, as I got older, and I'd get so excited about anything and it could just be literally the box it was wrapped in. I don't think I've ever had a wrong 'un. Have you, Simon?

SIMON - Yes, I've had a few, and my parents still have a recording of me squealing with delight when I got some toy soldiers when I was about ten. "I got it, I got it!" I was so excited. But my parents also, they give me random ones, I mean I remember getting towels for Easter one year. First of all, why Easter? And secondly, why towels?

GARY - Why towels?

SIMON - But I cherish them. I don't think I've had disability inappropriate presents. The flip side is I ask for clothes but nobody ever buys me clothes because it's too difficult to buy for a short person.

BETH - Well we need to get some scores there Damon, and I hope you were diligently writing them out.

GARY - I'm winning by the way, I'm winning.

DAMON- Gary certainly is winning at this stage which is excellent. Go, you political correspondent. We would give Gary out of three possible points for the three categories I talked about earlier which you may or may not have forgotten, Gary was certainly entertaining, perhaps not so informative but perhaps a little subversive, two points.

SIMON - It's quite a hard game isn't it? Well done Gary.

BETH - It is quite hard.

GARY - Can I go home now?

BETH - No Gary, you've got to get through the other dilemmas first. So Nikki, are you ready?

NIKKI - Yes.

BETH - Okay. You really want to go to the work Christmas party.

NIKKI - Yes.

BETH - The problem is the organising committee have chosen a boat as a venue and, quelle surprise, it's inaccessible. What do you do?

NIKKI - Well, you've got to tell them straight off haven't you? Well, I've been very lucky at work in that all my work Christmas dos they've been very thoughtful and planned somewhere that's great for me, that I can get in and out of the building without having to navigate any steps, that I can stay on my scooter, because I'm far too old to be carried up now. Maybe, unless it's a good-looking chap.

SIMON - Too glamorous as well.

GARY - Could you get them to position the boat under Chelsea Bridge and then be sort of lowered onto it?

NIKKI - That would be fun. Actually Gary, that's a brilliant idea, because that would be a bit of show stopper wouldn't it?

SIMON - Just a bit. I think it would stop quite a bit of river traffic as well.

GARY - It would certainly stop the traffic, yes.

NIKKI - But I do know a couple of friends who have had similar dilemmas to this and I think I would just say, "Come on now, let's try and find somewhere else eh, because I really want to go." But then I am a bit of a nightmare you see, they went to so much trouble with my work Christmas do this year and I couldn't go in the end because I was just too busy.

BETH - And had you put your foot down as well? Had you been making demands?

DAMON- Disabled people are so ungrateful, honestly.

NIKKI - I sent a WhatsApp to our WhatsApp group, I was like, I'm really sorry because I know you went to so much effort. I mean, they could have gone into town in Manchester. Well you see, I couldn't go to my Christmas party, I did have a very, very good reason because I didn't have a PA at the time, a personal assistant, so because I work and I don't obviously work where I live I need to have somebody with me to help me really, to do all the physical stuff that I cannot do.

SIMON - Like hold the microphone for your karaoke?

NIKKI - Yes, like hold the microphone. They call me Beyoncé up there in the north.

SIMON - Did you feel a bit bad?

NIKKI - Yes, I did feel really bad Minty, I felt really bad, because they'd gone to so much effort. [laughs]

BETH - What about you Simon? Terrible venues at any point?

SIMON - Because I can walk a bit it's not such an issue, but I'm self-employed and I have been for 20 years so I have had a Christmas party with my book keeper, just the two of us, we go somewhere. Actually, it's really lovely, we go somewhere really swanky and instead of having something for 20 people it's just the two of us.

BETH - Lovely. Who pays for this?

SIMON - I do.

BETH - Oh, okay.

SIMON - Or the company does, if you see what I mean. Yeah, but that's sort of me as well. And I remember when I worked properly I used to love them and I used to love the singing on the way home in the mini bus that you'd get and it was such a job, but it's a few years ago now.

BETH - What about you Gary?

GARY - Oh well venues definitely have their challenges if you can't see, especially the sort of vast sort of spacious ones where all you hear is just some big wall of noise and you have no idea where anyone is. Although there's an old wives tale about blind people, and I can confirm this is definitely true, that if you do put a blind person in a room with a bar within about 50 yards they will definitely find that. [laughter]

BETH - Right Damon, you've never been to a work party on a boat or anything inaccessible have you?

DAMON- No, I'm not entirely sure where you got that idea from Beth.

BETH - Not last year's work party, no?

DAMON- Yeah, possibly that.

BETH - Anyway, to the scores.

DAMON- It was Nikki's round and definitely very entertaining and informative in the fact that, Nikki, we learnt that you have a PA just like in real life.

NIKKI - Just like in real life, yeah.

DAMON- So we're going to give you a two, another two.

NIKKI - Oh, I'm even with Gary.

BETH - The pressure is on Simon.

NIKKI - Mints, come on.

BETH - Are you ready for your question? I think you'll like it. So, whilst scrolling through a well-known dating app someone you fancy catches your eye. On closer inspection though you discover that they too are disabled. Do you swipe right for yes or left for no?

GARY - Oh, that's harsh. Oh Simon.

BETH - I didn't write these questions.

SIMON - Well, to be subversive I should swipe yes should I and say no?

BETH - What would you do in real life? IRL.

SIMON - Well if I fancy them a bit then… Well, I wouldn't at the moment because I'm dating somebody but if was single then I would swipe right and that would be… Is that the right way to swipe?

BETH - Well, according to the script it is. I don't actually know.

SIMON - don't do those dating sites because I just imagine that I would always be rejected all the time and it would just be too much hard work.

DAMON- Oh Simon, Simon! Don't say that.

SIMON - Well, I don't know, but that's the point… Well, maybe I've got to swipe as a positive because disabled people don't get the positive swipes. I'm mixing my words now. I definitely would say yes. No, it would be an I don't care type swipe rather than a pity swipe. And the only bit, sometimes different impairments, different disabilities do clash, so I'd have to…

GARY - Oh which ones? Which ones clash do you think?

SIMON - Er…

GARY - Blind people and deaf people do you think?

SIMON - I was trying to think of my own. Maybe, yes that could be one, I can see that.

NIKKI - How do you fancy a bird in a scooter Simon? Just saying'.

SIMON - I didn't hear what you said properly. Say again? [laughter]

GARY - You're just playing for time, you're playing for time Simon.

NIKKI - How would you feel about a mobility scooter?

SIMON - I would love that.

NIKKI - Oh, would you?

SIMON - Yes, I would adore that. And there's one…

NIKKI - I do this to Simon a lot. We do know each other very well don't we?

SIMON - There's a lady I know and she's very beautiful, she uses a scooter, she'd be a swipe. Is it right? Yes. Positive.

BETH - Right for yes. Yes, positive. I could see the fear in your eyes at that question. It is a bit of a tricky dilemma.

NIKKIFor research purposes I had a quick back at Tinder…

GARY - Oh, do tell.

NIKKI - …and I can confirm, you do swipe right if you like them because, for research purposes I was swiping left thinking left was right and…

BETH - Oh no.

NIKKI - And I was getting lots of messages from people and I was thinking I'm sure I wouldn't have maybe said yes to… And yeah, it's a fascinating place. I thought to myself, you know, I just thought when it comes to the pictures I'll just put one up clearly showing me in a scooter.

SIMON - They might like the scooter more than they like you as well. Is that the risk?

NIKKI - Well, that's the problem isn't it? It's a risk.

SIMON - I've been waiting years to find someone who gets a bit obsessed by short people but I just can't find them.

NIKKI - You know, I was all right on Tinder, for the brief while that I was on there for research purposes only. The most awkward it got was, "Oh, are you on 'Watchdog'?"

SIMON - Oh, okay.

NIKKI - I came off very quickly when I started bumping into people I knew.

SIMON - Oh, really? There are short people dating apps.

BETH - Are there?

SIMON - Date a Little.

GARY - Really?

SIMON - Yeah, but I kind of think…

GARY - I can't decide whether that's weird or not.

SIMON - Well, the same Gary, I'm a little bit…

BETH - Did you try it?

SIMON - No I haven't because I sense that I probably know most of them, I've been to American and UK conventions and so on. A part of me says yes but then the other part of me says, mm-mm. But the disability bit, no that would sound weird if I would sort of reject someone based on that because that means I'm doing what I don't like other people might do to me.

BETH - And what would you do Gary?

GARY - Well I think I'm happily able in this particular context to say the question doesn't arise, not because I'm particularly fastidious or prudish but I bet those apps aren't accessible. So there.

NIKKI - Yeah.

BETH - That's a good point actually.

GARY - I bet you can't. It's all pictures isn't it?

NIKKIYes it is, you're right Gary, it's all pictures.

SIMONIt's brutal isn't it?

NIKKIAnd it is a bit brutal.

BETHIt is brutal.

NIKKIAnd you'll find that you'll match with a lot of people but they won't necessarily send messages. So that's the thing.

SIMONSo what are they waiting for?

NIKKIAnd apparently this is a problem for a lot of people on that particular app, they'll match and you'll be like oh, and then no message. So if you're not the type of person to send the first message…

GARYWhich is a message in itself, yeah.

NIKKIExactly. Gary, that was poetic.

SIMONThat's why you do what you do Gary.

NIKKIThat was poetic.

SIMONBeautiful, beautiful.

BETHRight, Mr Rose, how did that scoring go? That round?

DAMONIt was the hardest, but it was also the most entertaining. I'm reading a book at the moment which is quite interesting and it's where people are matched by their DNA. You send a swab off…

NIKKIThat's horrendous.

SIMONDate your mum.

DAMON…to a company and you date someone who…

GARYYes, that sounds dangerous.

DAMON…who the software claims is chemically, biologically and genetically your suit.

BETHIs this fiction or non fiction?

DAMONIt's fiction. Why, were you interested?

BETHWell, you know. There's a space.

DAMONSo, going back to the scoring. Simon, I found that very entertaining. I found it informative, informative because we didn't know that you were dating.

SIMONOh, okay.

DAMONUntil just then.

SIMONYeah. Subversive.

DAMONAnd I think… I don't think it was subversive, unless we say that you… I clearly heard Nikki offering to date you in there and it was a bit subversive…

NIKKIYou've heard that before.

DAMON…a bit subversive the way you just knocked her back. But I don't know, I'm thinking two. Two out of two again so that's two for everybody.

BETHTwo again, well done. So what happens now Damon? Mr adjudicator.

DAMONWe have a tiebreaker. We're in a tiebreak situation.

BETHLuckily we have a tiebreak just here.

DAMONIsn't that handy?

BETHIt is handy. So basically you can all just chip in at this point.

NIKKIOkay.

SIMONOh, it's a free for all.

BETHA free for all, yeah. You're on a night out together and nature calls. The door to the accessible loo is locked and the sounds coming from behind it would suggest that a couple are inside and enjoying some extracurricular activities. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. You're desperate for the toilet, like really desperate but can you bring yourself to interrupt? Simon?

SIMONAbsolutely. When you said that I'm desperate for the loo.

BETHYou just hammer on the door?

SIMONYeah.

GARYBut doesn't one of those magic keys allow you to open the door anyway?

NIKKIYeah, I've got one of those.

SIMONThere is that.

NIKKIYou can't open it can you?

GARYOh, you can't if there's someone in there.

NIKKIIf someone's inside it and actually has locked it from the inside.

GARYActually that makes sense. That does make sense.

NIKKIBut unless Gary, they can just have gone in there and totally forgotten to actually lock it, then yes.

GARYIn the throes of passion.

NIKKIYeah. Do you think we're going to get fired Gary?

SIMONLucky I'm a freelancer.

GARYI'll come and stay on your sofa if we do.

SIMONWhy, were you the ones in the loo?

NIKKINo, no it's just sort of the subjects that we're talking about. Nikki Fox, BBC News.

SIMON Well the loos at the BBC are weird, the disabled ones, they've got those buttons and you have to press it and I never can tell, it's like the train ones, you can't tell whether it's locked, open. I just went and I had to wait three minutes waiting for it to close.

BETHAlso, sometimes they open.

SIMON While you're in there?

BETHYes. Legend has it that that has occurred, on this floor.

NIKKIReally?

GARYOh my goodness.

SIMONWhat were you doing in the disabled loo?

BETHIt wasn't me, someone else.

GARYAh.

SIMON You're allowed to use it, we're allowed to.

BETHAm I?

SIMONYes, just not for what we're talking about.

BETH Extracurricular activities.

SIMONExactly.

BETHNoted Simon.

DAMONThere are some loos on this floor that, how can I put it, they are too accessible. If you accidently even breathe when you're inside the toilet the door opens. It's that touch sensitive.

SIMONAm I the only one who would interrupt?

GARYCan I have a little whinge about accessible loos?

BETHGary.

GARYI know this is going to sound really, really mean, but I do a lot of travelling and whenever I turn up at hotels they put me in the disabled room. It's not for me, I have to like kneel on the floor to brush my teeth.

SIMONAnd all your clothes are hanging really low down presumably? My blind friend, when I stay in a hotel with him he always wants me just to check the bed to make sure there's no surprise crumbs or anything in the…

GARYOh!

SIMONYeah, he got caught out a couple of times.

NIKKIOh no!

SIMON So I always do that as a favour. Is that anything you worry about Gary?

GARYDo you know, this is going to sound domestic, if I'm travelling with people I get them to come in and pick out the shampoo for me so I don't have to go on these bloody apps and try and read these little bottles through my iPhone and things.

NIKKIWell when you're working so hard you've got to do things like that to make your life quicker and easier haven't you?

GARYYou're right.

SIMONOr take your own.

NIKKIYeah, you raise a good point there Simon. [laughter]

GARYYeah, but that would be the solution wouldn't it?

BETHSo back to this couple who are enjoying some extracurricular activities…

GARYI would call the police.

BETHSimon, you would knock on the door.

SIMON If there was another loo nearby that I could use…

BETHNo, only one. The only one.

SIMONAnd if I'm bursting I'm really sorry, I've got to.

BETHYou're going to get them out of there.

SIMONYeah, they can go back in after.

GARYI think you bang on the door and shout, "It doesn't normally take that long, hurry up."

BETHAnd Nikki?

NIKKIWell if it was the only bathroom around I would keep knocking and knocking and knocking until somebody came out of that bathroom.

BETHAnd then would you tut as they sashayed past?

NIKKINo, I wouldn't, I'd be like, "Oh, tell me, what's been going on?" No, I'm joking.

BETHThere we go Damon, what's the final score? Who took that round?

DAMONMm-mm. What with his admission that he doesn't like kneeling down and being like other disabled people…

GARYI didn't say that!

DAMONSorry, that isn't what Gary said.

SIMONAnd he hates short people.

DAMONHe doesn't like kneeling down, he prefers to be very, very tall. Gary O'Donoghue is the winner of this particular contest. [applause]

NIKKIWell done Gary.

GARYI feel really bad now.

NIKKIWell done.

GARYI feel really bad.

BETHWell, well done Gary, the winner of the 2017 team Christmas dilemma quiz.

GARYWhat's the prize please, given that I get no bucks fizz and no mince pies?

BETHWell, we'll ship something over to you. Keep waiting for it. Maybe. Next year. Keep watching. So thanks for our three guests for joining us today. So we had the lovely Nikki Fox, Gary O'Donoghue in Washington and of course Simon Minty. The adjudicator was Damon Rose and it was produced by Emma Tracey. Now, if you're streaming this on the web and want to hear more you can subscribe to our podcast feed and have our shows arrive on your device once a week. Search for BBC Ouch in Apple podcasts or whichever podcast service you use, and you can also contact us on Facebook or via @bbcouch on Twitter. And we're on email too, ouch@bbc.co.uk. I've been Beth Rose, and have a very merry Christmas. [bells jingling]

SIMONYay!

NIKKIBye!

GARYMerry Christmas, merry Christmas.

BETHMerry Christmas.

[jingle: This is the BBC]

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