Off The Bawl 1 September 2011

Tam Cowan and Stuart Cosgrove

Greeeeeetings!!! Off The Ball was live from the Edinburgh Festival on Saturday and with Stuart Cosgrove otherwise engaged for the first hour so Tam was joined by Reporting Scotland's Catriona Shearer.

But our star guest Paul Daniels had a REALLY glamorous assistant - the legend that is the lovely Debbie McGee.

Cat's from Shotts (a place where the guys saw the women in half whether they're magicians or not) while Paul and Debbie live in Henley.

Is there a B&Q in Henley? Nope, there's only an H, an N, an L, a Y and two Es.

That's the joke that won Paul this year's Worst Gag of the Festival contest and, in the company of our other guest (Edinburgh panto legend Grant Stott) we invited listeners to submit their favourite honking jokes.

And, in tribute to Paul and Debbie, our Team of the Week was the Magician's XI.

Here's a selection of the most petty and ill-informed texts and emails on radio. Which, as a wee bonus, includes some previosly unseen footage from the last Saturday's show and the Sunday Supplement.

You'll like these... not a lot!

THE WORST JOKES IN THE WORLD

(Most of which are actually very good...!)

-I went for a job at the circus as the human cannonball, but I didn't get it. They needed someone of a higher calibre (Brian in Aberdeen).

-What's red and green and not buying BSkyB? Rhubarb Murdoch (Jimbo).

-Just finished reading a book on Spanish bricklaying. It was written by Manuel Labour (Dougie in Edinburgh).

-What do you get if you cross a can of beans with an onion? A fart that makes your eyes water (Jamie Laverty in Craigend).

-My wife loves her new camel-hair coat. The only drawback is that when it rains, it holds water for six weeks (Larry in Coatbridge).

-Woke up in the middle of the night with Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. First I was afraid, then I was petrified (Andy from Blackburn).

-I got a message on my mobile from the New Zealand rugby team. I think I've been the victim of a phone hakka (Hearts fan Stu).

-A guy goes into the butchers and says: "Can I have a mince round?" The butcher says: "Okay, but hurry up - we close in five minutes." (Shug in Auchinleck).

-Went to a Weightwatchers meeting last week and someone dropped a bag of Maltesers. It was the funniest game of Hungry Hippos I've ever seen (Gary in Forres)

-A book just fell on my head - I've only got myshelf to blame (Ally Lang).

-What's the difference between Jordan running for a bus and a sewing machine? A sewing machine only has one bobbin' (Colin in Glasgow).

-How do you make a ouiji board? Take away his fags and Buckfast (Fergie in Aberdeen)

-What do Rolf Harris and Kenny Dalglish have in common? They both have a beard, except for Kenny Dalglish (BL in East Kilbride).

-What did the half-Scottish, half-French bloke say when the tide was coming in? Merci (Ally in Sydney)

-What do you call a 1970s TV cop with no arms and no legs? Bodie (Adam in Glasgow)

-Two elephants fall off a cliff. Boom-boom! (Rosa in Dundee).

-I've just bought myself 800 bottles of Tippex. I think I've made a massive mistake (Gerry Henderson in Stenhousemuir).

-What's the difference between a pick pocket and a Peeping Tom? A pick pocket snatches watches... (Anon).

TEAM OF THE WEEK

The Magician's XI

(aka Bolton Magic Wanderers)

Stadium: White Hart David Blaine

Manager: Ali Bongo McCoist

1/ Allan McGregor (famous for his disappearing sausage trick)

2/ Garry Hay Presto

3/ Bertie Auld Black Magic

4/ Tommy Chinese Rings (c)

5/ Magic Bougherra

6/ Billy Abercadabracrombie

7/ Jermaine Pennant Teller

8/ Stephen Glass Bottle-Glass-Bottle-Bottle-Glass

9/ Siegfreid and Roy Keane

10/ Card-trick Viera

11/ Davie Cooperfield

SPORTS PRESENTERS AND THEIR IDIOSYNCHRASIES

It was recently revealed by one of his Sky Sports sidekicks that our very own Jim White files his nails under the desk. He's been doing it since 1995, apparently, ever since Mrs Laudrup started complaining about the scratchmarks on her husband's back.

But what other famous foibles have been spotted by the Off The Ball listeners...?

Bill said: "Pat Nevin always says "But hey..." at the end of every sentence."

Mary said: "Richard Gordon has a very nervous giggle that makes its way into most of his sentences."

Gerry in Perth said: "I'd nominate Stuart Cosgrove for always finishing the sentences of other contributors - usually just the very last word."

David in Denny said: "What about the humility of Rangers and Scotland legend Gordon Ramsay - does that count?"

Degsy in Kelvinside said: "I love it the way Raman Bhardwaj on Scotland Today always goes 15 rounds with the autocue machine."

Colin Smith in Aberdeen said: "I get a scare on Open All Mics whenever Sandra Brown reacts to a Queen of the South goal. To hear her sudden, spontaneous high-pitched squeal of delight immediately makes me think I've forgotten to log off a dodgy website."

LAST WEEK'S TEAM OF THE WEEK

(By popular demand...)

The World War Two XI

(aka Ayr Raid Utd)

Manager: Nuremberg Ally McCoist

1/ The Battle of El Alan Main

2/ Dunkirk Broadfoot

3/ Wayne Bridge Over The River Kwai

4/ Tommy Goe-Ring (c)

5/ Cammy-kaze Bell

6/ Hamish French Resistance

7/ Eoin Hess

8/ Paul Gascoigne (frequently blitzed)

9/ Stalin Shearer

10/ The Diary Of Ann Frank McAvennie (synonymous with Goebbels and would always score on VD Day)

11/ Tore Tore Tore Andre Flo!

Subs: The Allan McKnight of the Long Knives, Ashley Cole-ditz, Emmanuel Panzer, Erik Bo Andersen Shelter.

THE OFF THE BALL MYSTERY

Vladimir Romanov is to have a lifeboat on Loch Ness named in his honour... but what should it be called?

The Jolly Jambo? The Sacked Manager? The P45?

Stevie Morris from Mid Calder said: "They should call it The Craig Gordon after the goalkeeper Vlad sold for a record fee - it would save everything!"

Stephen Cameron said: "What about The Maroon Harpoon?"

Graeme Hampton said: "The name of Vlad's boat is obvious. In fact, they've already made a film about it... Das Boot!"

AND FINALLY...

Hello to Tom Greatrex, the Labour/Co-Op MP for Rutherglen and Hamilton West and former studio guest on OTB, who emailed Saturday's show.

He said: "In the wake of that horror night for Scotland's clubs in Europe - aka Black Thursday - if any Scots are looking for a team to follow in the Europa league, might I suggest Fulham? They started life as Fulham St.Andrews. Surely that's a logical choice?"

PS. The song that played us out? Well, as a wee tribute to our (very) short-lived Euro, ahem, ambassadors, we finished with the old Madness track You're An Embarrassment...

To join in the fun on this Saturday's show, call 0500 929500, text 80295 or email offtheball@bbc.co.uk

Listen to the most recent Off the Ball programmes.

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