That's me. So I'd better go and do it now. Thanks for joining us today. Merry Christmas. Unless you support Rayo Vallecano.
- Bale scores four before being replaced
- Five goals and two reds in first 30 minutes
- Rayo reduced to nine men
- Real five points off Barca & Atletico at start
- Rayo Vallecano in relegation zone
They got their 10th just in time. That's the first double figures I've seen in a game since Levadia Tallinn hammered FC Ajax Lasnamae 11-0 in the Estonian Meistriliiga.
The scoreline on TV isn't equipped to handle 10. It's tiny next to a big 2 for Rayo Vallecano.
Mateo Kovacic lays the ball off and it drops to Karim Benzema 16 yards out - he makes no mistake and has his hat-trick.
We have double figures!
Cristiano Ronaldo is waiting in the box to head home for a hat-trick and number 10 but Lucas Vazquez's cross is straight over him.
Almost fantasy football here as Mateo Kovacic tries a flying scissor-kick 20 yards from goal but it flies over the bar.
Is this 10? Karim Benzema is played in by Cristiano Ronaldo, but he takes too long on the ball and Quini slides it out for a corner.
We're so close to double figures I can taste it. And it tastes delicious. Luka Modric finds Karim Benzema, who is unmarked around the penalty spot, the Frenchman takes a touch and strokes it past Yoel.
Lucas Vazquez has a chance for Real Madrid but keeper Yoel - who has actually had a pretty good game - palms it wide.
Cristiano Ronaldo is in again for Real Madrid but drags his shot across goal - Real's 22nd shot of the game.
Are they going to get 10? There's 12 minutes left to score twice.
This referee doesn't want to add to Rayo's woes here. Lucas Vazquez is barged off the ball but no penalty given. I reckon they would have had two penalties in the second half in a normal game.
Cristiano Ronaldo, still chasing a hat-trick, lashes a shot over.
This is the most despicable substitution I've ever seen in the history of football. Gareth Bale - chasing his fifth goal of the game - comes off for full-back Alvaro Arbeloa.
I'm genuinely fuming.
Gareth Bale chases onto a ball looking for his fifth of the game but keeper Yoel rushes out to clear the danger.
It probably won't come as a surprise to learn that's the first time Gareth Bale has scored four goals in a league game.
Danilo is the first Real Madrid player to go into the book - for wiping out Bebe. He obviously spotted the threat there.
Gareth Bale tries to find Cristiano Ronaldo, who is chasing a hat-trick of his own. His pass is deflected by Quini - back to Bale, who just decides to take it himself and adds his FOURTH of the game.
Corner comes in, Real captain Sergio Ramos is unmarked but he heads it straight at the keeper.
There's 22 minutes left for Real to get 10. They need three more.
Will this actually lift any of the pressure on Rafael Benitez though?
Even if they score 10, this is just such a freakish result. They were losing at 11 v 11.
Cristiano Ronaldo has a chance for number eight but heads into the side-netting.
Real Madrid should have had a penalty a minute ago when James Rodriguez was fouled in the box but the referee just didn't have the heart to blow the whistle.
Manchester United legend Bebe comes on for Lass Bangoura. Surely he's the man to turn it around. Just needs to score five.
Real also make a change, Mateo Kovacic replaces James Rodriguez.
Keylor Navas makes another save for Real Madrid, who are still shaky at the back. Meanwhile, Lucas Vazquez comes on for Marcelo.
I've never seen anything like this - it's like the last few minutes of five-a-side when there's no defenders anywhere. Cristiano Ronaldo has acres of space down the right and he crosses to Gareth Bale, who nets for his hat-trick. If the Welshman had left it off, Karim Benzema would have turned it in.
Rayo Vallecano had another attack but Lass Bangoura tried to pass instead of shooting. Nacho eventually has an effort but fails to score.
I've just googled that Athletic Bilbao 12-1 Barcelona game.
"On that day, the players who were at odds with the club’s board of directors, went on the famous 'fallen legs' strike. In other words, they lost to prove a point."
If I told you the biggest La Liga win of all time involved Barcelona, you probably would presume they'd won it.
But in 1930-31, Athletic Bilbao hammered them 12-1 for the record which still stands. I can't see Real beating that today.
There's no marking anywhere now, Rayo Vallecano are totally gone. James Rodriguez gets the ball on the left - no defenders anywhere near him - and he crosses it to Cristiano Ronaldo - no defenders anywhere near him - to head home.
Rayo Vallecano have their first shot in what seems like a lifetime but Lass Bangoura's effort from distance is easily held by Keylor Navas, who must have forgotten he was playing.
It's almost six as Cristiano Ronaldo gets the ball - totally unmarked - in the penalty area but Yoel saves his powerful shot. It's out for a corner which Real can't convert.
The front three are all on the scoresheet now - James Rodriguez plays the ball to the unmarked Karim Benzema, who takes a touch and steers the ball across Yoel into the back of the net.
Are we going to get 10?