TOTP: Has a lovesong ever been so powerful that it's made you think you were in love with someone when you weren't?
Fyfe: Oh god. Blehhh. I think a lot of lovesongs have made me feel in that mood, but maybe not about someone in particular. But they can do that to you. Sort of.

TOTP: How would you feel if you managed to harness this power in 'Made Up Lovesong 43'?
Fyfe: I'm planning to use it for those very purposes. I'm going to meet people and say, "You know Guillemots" and they'll say, "No" and I'll say, "Well, this is our song 'Made Up Lovesong'" and they will want to marry me and I won't let them. It's a power thing.

TOTP: So you reckon you have some sort of hypnotising power?
Fyfe: Yeah, my eyes. It's all in the eyes.

TOTP: Are you susceptible to ladies singing lovesongs to you?
Fyfe: All the time. It just happens when I walk down the street. They stop me and say, "Do you mind if I sing a bit of a lovesong to you?" and I say, "I've got five minutes, can you make it snappy?" It's a bit of a drag, actually.

TOTP: Do you think it's possible that the rest of the band will fall in love with you for these very reasons?
Fyfe: I think in a way they probably are in love with me because I'm such a generous and gentle man. I could be egotistical, but I'm not. I'm very humble with them and I think they love me for that. I don't love them, but I admire them.

TOTP: Are you the kind of band who are likely to be torn apart by sexual jealousy?
Fyfe: There's a lot of sexual jealousy in my mind. That comes to the fore when I sing. I often sing 'sex' instead of 'love' and it's very important not to get sex confused with love. I often do and that's led to a lot of fairly compromising situations which I don't want to talk about.

TOTP: So, do you all live polygamously?
Fyfe: We're all animals and we need kicks. I let one of them hold my hand every now and then. I don't want to take advantage of them because they're all fragile people. They don't have the intense mental disposition that I have.

TOTP: You've written 43 lovesongs...
Fyfe: That's just a lie. It's not even a lovesong really. The original lyric was "I hate you and I want to see you out of my life and I don't like your face, so go away." But it didn't really have commercial viability so I changed it. It's a cash cow, basically. It's going to sell millions.

TOTP: So you've written a lovesong - kind of - is the next step to write a sex song?
Fyfe: We're working on it. It's a song called 'You Can Look But You Can't Touch'. Arista, our double bassist is going to sing it and I'm going to rap with her. There's definitely going to be whole albums of sex songs and we are going to start getting naked onstage fairly soon as well, but with protection.

TOTP: Is everyone going to get naked?
Fyfe: Well I won't. It would debase me. But I'll wear all the clothes of all the others combined so I'll be protected. They'll come up to me and beg me to service them and I'll say, "I can't - there's an audience. Get back to playing G minor." And we'll carry on until we die.

TOTP: So why won't you get naked?
Fyfe: I'm not very well endowed. It's my parents fault. I was very angry with them for many years, but you can't polish a... (falters)

TOTP: ... small willy.
Fyfe: [Feebly] Small willy.

TOTP: If you could choose anyone to fall in love with you on the basis of 'Made Up Lovesong', who would it be?
Fyfe: Tom Jones. He's a man who's never hidden his sexuality. I'd like to talk to him about sex over a hot chocolate or maybe a green tea. Maybe I'd ask him to be on our sex song.

TOTP: If you could re-record any Tom Jones track, what would it be?
Fyfe: I would probably record 'Kiss', which isn't actually one of his, it's Prince's. It would be a duet. I'd be like, "Your kiss!" and he'd be like, "No, no, no, no yours!" and it would go on like that and we'd finish up snogging like that Britney and Madonna thing. Only it would be Tom Jones and Fyfe Dangerfield.

TOTP: So is Tom Jones the man to get Fyfe Dangerfield naked on stage?
Fyfe: You are twisting my words, but yes.

TOTP: Have you ever experienced love at first sight?
Fyfe: I experienced it from the moment I was born, but I soon realised that the world was a vile and corrupt place and ever since then I've banned myself from experiencing it firsthand. I write about it as Fyfe Dangerfield. I sing about it in Guillemots, the popular band. But in my personal life I spit at love.

TOTP: Why's that? Have you been burnt? Have bad things happened?
Fyfe: [Dejected] They might have done. People weren't nice to me.

TOTP: Is it going to change now that you're in a band? Surely you get ladies throwing themselves at you?
Fyfe: [Reanimates] Ladyshapes! They do throw themselves at me. They say, "Fyfe, you're a rhombus, I'm a parallelogram. Let's get together and make babies."

TOTP: What do you do when they say that?
Fyfe: I say, "Hold your horses, ladies! I've got records to write, hits to pen, people to entertain."