TOTP Phone rings
TOTP: Hello, Top Of The Pops?
Sam: Hi there, it's Sam.
TOTP: [Confused] Sam?
Sam: Yeah, I was asked to ring you.
TOTP: You were?
Sam: Yep. For an interview.
TOTP: [Penny drops] Argh! Not the Get Cape W-
Sam: Yes, I'm Sam from Get Cape Wear Cape Fly.
TOTP: [Blushing] Ah. How embarrassing. I'm sorry Sam. I'd be delighted to interview you. Shall we begin?
Sam: Great. What shall we talk about?

TOTP: Spies! If you were some kind of spy boss, Sam, what would it take to work for you?
Sam: Erm, well you want someone with skills. You don't want someone average running amok in your secret service. Espionage would be in chaos. You'd need good ears, and bi-lingual. Also, it would be quite nice to have a few normal people in there as well.
TOTP: Right and -
Sam: Nothing wore than having super-serious secret agents-
TOTP: Er -
Sam: If anyone can fly or see through walls then that'd be great as well...
TOTP: Now come on, Sam, that's asking a bit much, surely?
Sam: Well yeah, probably. I don't really know what real skills you really need to be a spy, but typing 40 words a minute is a good start, I think. And a bit of shorthand.

TOTP: When you say 'normal people' in your spying service, do you mean 'geezers'?
Sam: Ha ha! Not lairy drunks. It'd be nice to have a stroppy 13 year old in charge of spying on Germany.
TOTP: Yeah, and not the big shiny technology...
Sam: Yeah, and the inventing. No one is more dastardly than a 13 year old girl.

TOTP: Spooks had a tag line that went 'MI5, not 9-5', we can do better than that, surely?
Sam: We should just reverse it, so it's '9-5 not MI5'. That's where everything stops at 5pm. Between 5-8pm it's open season in spy land. That's when we get the office temps in, and they just come in and get on the internet to check the spying scene, and make cups of coffee.

TOTP: Where's the best place to hide a microfilm?
Sam: There's many. I reckon it would be good to implant them into your body. Maybe on the tips of your hair follicles. Then you could casually brush your hair and leave the info lying around for someone else to collect.

TOTP: What's your policy on spying in wigs?
Sam: I love them. As a spy it's important to be able to change your appearance from day to day, and wigs are good for that. I'm also into the idea of hair transplants, so if you're bald for example, you need to go and hang out with some people with very long hair. Transplants are the way to go, wigs tend to fall off in planes. Hey, I'm starting to get into this. Maybe I'm in the wrong career.

TOTP: Where do you draw the line on wigs, would you go as far as a Brian May?
Sam: Ooh! A Brian May is the holy grail of wigs, surely? Either a Brian May or a Billy Rae Cyrus.
TOTP: That's a one wear opportunity only. Soon as you don that wig, your cover's blown.
Sam: Unless you look so ridiculous that everyone just assumes you have no intelligence at all and are therefore not a spy. If you hired in a Billy Cyrus lookalike and he's singing "Don't break my heart, my achey breaky heart", the chances are he's not working for MI5.

TOTP: Hell of a double bluff though... Now, who wouldn't you like to see emerging from the ocean in an orange bikini?
Sam: John Prescott probably. Although it would be quite interesting. I guess someone really typcial. You'd much rather it was someone completely ridiculous rather than some standard bikini model type. Peter Stringfellow maybe? Although you wouldn't be able to tell where the bikini ended and the fake tan started.

TOTP: What would be your alias?
Sam: Erm, I'd quite like to be the Bird Man, or something like that, y'know? Black cape, black shirt, loads of guns. Everytime I whipped my cape, I disappeared, and no one could tell if I was human or a massive crow. It has to be a crow though and not a pigeon.
TOTP: Oh?
Sam: Pigeons eat too many chips, so there's a danger of me falling out of the sky. Pigeons are vermin. Crows are shrewed and intelligent. They're the Porsche of the air. You can quote me on that.
TOTP: I wonder how they view each other...
Sam: I imagine they're both just thankful they're not magpies. There's something just very pompous and middle class about the magpie. At least the pigeons are keeping it real. They're from the streets.
TOTP: Are there any other birds you'd like to welcome into this brave new birdworld?
Sam: There's the cuckoos, but they're just showoffs aren't they. The same with woodpeckers. I mean, they're quite industrious, but you just know they're all about the attention.
TOTP: They can swan about though, they've got a cider named after them and everything.
Sam: And they're protected. I bet that the pigeons are jealous of the endangered species, because although there's not that many of them, at least they're safe. Whereas the pigeons are just fair game. I'm starting to get into the idea of being a pigeon now though. It's the underdog in me. They're only trying to make an honest living though.
TOTP: Yeah but you could say that of any bird really. Even vultures, they're just trying to feed the kids...
Sam: Yeah true. Vultures remind me of ghetto queens, driving around in a massive car with the top down, saying "I'm the big dog around here. And I'm gonna rip apart anyone who gets in my way."

TOTP: ... I think we've done birds now, haven't we?
Sam: Yeah, that's pretty much all of the options. Where were we?
TOTP: Spying. Who would you least like to spy on?
Sam: Probably myself. It'd be very difficult to spy on yourself. And also you'd just see the stuff you get up to and think, "now why did I do that?" And there'd be a real conflict of interest as well. You'd be having a shower, and then you'd have to try and take pictures of yourself having a shower. Everything would take twice as long. And you'd have to fight the urge to warn yourself that you were spying on yourself. Nightmare!

TOTP: My head hurts. Who else?
Sam: Erm... dunno. Someone who is good at escaping I guess. Athletes, or someone who is incredibly stroppy. Mariah Carey might be pretty difficult.

TOTP: Finally, you've got one gadget, what is it?
Sam: This one needs a lot of thought. Invisibility would be good. But if it goes wrong, then that's your life ruined basically. You're on your own. Nah, that's a rookie's choice. Anything flying related is bad as well because of turbulence, or if you're a bit hungover it could all go wrong. So I would say skills.
TOTP: Gills?
Sam: Skills! Like a big bag of skills. You know how Pingu used to walk around with everything in a napsack, it'd be like that but it would have 'Skills' written on it. Everytime you needed it, you'd just open it up and it'd have everything you were after. And it'd be warrenteed for 25 years, so you couldn't rip it on a bush or something. It's like Sport Billy's handbag (Cartoon from waaaaaay back - Old Ed), only it's full of skills. With a warranty.