| TOTP: We're going to start with this one.
James: Cheese! What do I think of cheese?
TOTP: Firstly, what do you think that is?
James: I think it's a door wedge. That's pretty good! What do I think when I see cheese?
TOTP: What's your immediate reaction to it?
James: Well, first of all I thought of a mouse, and then I thought of cheesy music. That's about it, really...
TOTP: What springs into your head when you think about cheesy music?
James: Err, Chico. [Chuckles.] Or the Cheeky Girls. Or, or - Chris De Burgh! Chris De Burgh, man, THAT is cheese.
TOTP: Now obviously that's used for keeping a door open. Can you think of a time where a door's opened where you probably wouldn't have wanted it to?
James: When I'm on the toilet.
TOTP: Has that actually happened?
James: Yeah! Yeah, you can live with it though, it's not that bad.
TOTP: Was it a number one or a number two? I have to ask.
James: Well, er, I think it was a bit of both. [Laughs.] That's usually what happens when you go for a number two, isn't it?
TOTP: Yes, that's quite true. Hadn't thought about it like that. OK, moving on then...
James: I haven't got a clue what that is. It looks like...I dunno. What the hell IS that?
TOTP: We'll give it to you - it's actually a bottle-stop.
James: Oh, right! That's really weird! It looks like - is it Stimpy? Not Stimpy, is it Ren with the big ears?
TOTP: Ren the Chihuahua?
James: Yeah, it reminded me of that a little bit. But not a lot. I don't really think of anything when I see that. That's not really that impressive.
TOTP: So you wouldn't appreciate that as a gift?
James: No, I'd use it...
TOTP: If I gave you that - if we were good friends and I gave you that for your birthday or whatever - how would you react?
James: Well, I don't mind having presents that surprise me. That's good. The other day, I hadn't seen a friend of mine in a long time, and she said "I've got a present for you,", and I was like, "Oh, wicked!" and she pulled out this paper...this Superman made out of paper, rolls of paper all stuck together and it was wicked. I was like, "Thank you!" and I put it up on my mantle, like yeah, that's great. So I don't mind getting a surprise, I'm quite grateful.
TOTP: It's more of a curio, isn't it really?
James: Yeah, yeah.
TOTP: Obviously this is to keep liquids fresh. Are you quite fastidious about the freshness of your liquids? Milk, for example?
James: Er...
TOTP: Milk, for example?
James: I always check milk. You know, water's cool, but milk - you've always got to check that. If I go to someone else's house, and I have to drink their milk, I'm always like, "ooh, I'd better check it".
TOTP: Do you risk a tiny little sip, or if it smells all right...
James: Nah, if it smells wrong I don't put it NEAR my lips. I've done it before, which is why I'm so careful now! I've just necked it, and it's sour milk - it's not very nice.
TOTP: OK, this is probably the easiest object - what sort of connotations does this bring up?
James: Chips. Murder.
TOTP: Haha! Okay, murder.
James: Chips and murder! I don't know, really. I suppose you could use it as a golf club, couldn't you?
TOTP: That's got to be the slowest murder ever.
James: I dunno, look. [Swings it about a bit.] Mash 'em. You could hurt somebody with that, definitely. But I dunno, nothing really springs to mind, other than...omelettes, maybe?
TOTP: Omelettes at 90 degrees?!
James: There you go.
TOTP: What about - obviously all of this is quite tenuous and we're making it up as we go along -
James: Yeah, it's weird!
TOTP: Some people have a problem with mashed food...
James: No, not at all. I used to love Weetabix - Weetabix mashed up is better than Weetabix not all mashed up.
TOTP: It's less intimidating, isn't it?
James: It's like baby food, isn't it? But yeah, mashed food is all good. Mashed potato, mashed swede, a bit of mash - it's all good.
TOTP: This is easier.
James: That reminds me of the rainbow.
TOTP: Does that bring back warm fuzzy memories?
James: I used to love Rainbow when I was younger, but I've seen clips of it since and I really can't understand why I like it. [Geoffrey is] so weird, isn't he? "Hello!" And Bungle, and all of 'em. But that's quite a good ashtray, that.
TOTP: You're right - as a child you watch Rainbow and you think, "that's quite a good programme". But imagine how your parents saw it...
James: I know! It's your children watching it! It's weird, I never could quite work out why I liked it, really. He's just the weirdest guy.
TOTP: Did you see the rude outtakes?
James: Oh yeah, I think I did see that once - I can't remember it, what happened?
TOTP: There was a thing in it where they made a little impromptu guitar called a twanger...
James: Oh yeah, that's right! "Are you going to get your twanger out?" That's it, yeah. That was funny! [Laughs.]
TOTP: Did it harm you psychologically to see that, James?
James: Nah, I thought it was funny!
TOTP: This is the last one.
James: A pumice!
TOTP: Yes. How smooth are you, on a scale of one to ten?
James: I'm not that smooth. I'm pretty clumsy, so in that department. Skin-wise, I haven't got too bad skin, but smooth as in, "yo, I'm smooth...", I'm not, I'm really clumsy. Every date I've ever been on, I've spilt drinks or snotted on girls.
TOTP: You've snotted on girls? Is that during kissing?
James: Well, it was New Year's Eve, and I went to give her a kiss, and I sneezed, and snot covered her lip, and went OVER her lip, and she was like "ehhhhh!" and it was dangling down and I was just like, "Oh no, this is NOT good". But I don't really - I suppose when I look at this, I think of my sister - she's so gross - she used to file her feet and there'd be a pile of shavings on the floor. You'd be like, "No, that's wrong!" That's so wrong. So I don't really get any good thoughts from that.
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