These frosty popstrels could give scary lessons to the Blair Witch...
SOPHIE ELLIS BEXTOR The undisputed, uh, queen of the Ice Queen, er, queens. Sophie is capable of reducing the core temperature of an over-friendly man to sub-zero levels with one withering stare. Wannabe haughty ladies would do well to study her, as she has all the key qualities you need. She's posh (and not in the Victoria Beckham sense, Ice Queens NEVER try too hard), she pouts like a fish sucking a yoghurt-filled lemon, and she acts like every single thing in the world is beneath her, including hugs, sunshine, chocolate and snogging Brad Pitt. We salute you, ma'am (please don't kill us!).
RACHEL STEVENS If her solo singles are anything to go by, friendly, warm, chatty Rachel has caught a glimpse of Sophie in full flight and decided that THAT'S the way a pop lady should behave. So it's out with the sexy groans and in with singing like you're instructing your butler which fork best suits a caviar butty. Plus she now has songs with words like 'Negotiate' in, which would make your average neanderthal pop bloke reach for...for...for that clever book with all the words in. Suddenly "there ain't no party like an S Club party" seems like an awfully long time ago.
KYLIE And you don't have to be English to pretend to be the perfectly regal lady. Despite re-inventing her image more times than Robbie Williams has had hot mingers, Kylie's appeal broadly rests on two key factors. One, she doesn't wear a right lot, and two, she acts like a princess. Naturally, the first factor is the one that gets most of the attention, but the second is FAR more interesting. Let's look at the facts, she's a former Aussie soap star, she's had a load of sugary pop hits, she struts around in her pants and she sings like a pixie robot. And yet she has the haughtiest glare in the southern hemisphere. That's what you call style...
CHRISTINA AGUILERA Probably best not to linger too long on the word 'style' when we're looking at X-tina. In some ways she's as far removed from the chilled demeanour of Kylie, Rach and Soph as Dunstable is from Neptune. But even when she's hurling herself around a greasy wrestling ring in dirty (sorry, dirrty) chaps, there's a glint in Ms. Aguilera's eye which is pure cold royalty. In fact, the gentlemen of the world would do well to give thanks that Christina is quite so keen to act the grappling trollop. Just think of the disastrous damage she could inflict on male confidence worldwide, if she just had a wash and put some nice clothes on...
AVRIL LAVIGNE By now you're probably convinced that we're scraping the ground underneath the bottom of the barrel, but bear with us. OK, she clearly hasn't had the benefit of an education at some swanky Swiss finishing school ("Miss Lavigne! Write out 'There are no such words as sk8r or boi' four million times!"), and she'd rather play wedgie games with Sum 41 than sip tea with the vicar. BUT, all you need to do is hand her the wrong type of coke, or fail to remove the Maltesers from her bag of Revels, and she'll write a vicious song about how rubbish you are before you can say "m'lady". That's, like, COLD, duuuude.
SOPHIE ELLIS BEXTOR
The undisputed, uh, queen of the Ice Queen, er, queens. Sophie is capable of reducing the core temperature of an over-friendly man to sub-zero levels with one withering stare. Wannabe haughty ladies would do well to study her, as she has all the key qualities you need. She's posh (and not in the Victoria Beckham sense, Ice Queens NEVER try too hard), she pouts like a fish sucking a yoghurt-filled lemon, and she acts like every single thing in the world is beneath her, including hugs, sunshine, chocolate and snogging Brad Pitt. We salute you, ma'am (please don't kill us!).
RACHEL STEVENS
If her solo singles are anything to go by, friendly, warm, chatty Rachel has caught a glimpse of Sophie in full flight and decided that THAT'S the way a pop lady should behave. So it's out with the sexy groans and in with singing like you're instructing your butler which fork best suits a caviar butty. Plus she now has songs with words like 'Negotiate' in, which would make your average neanderthal pop bloke reach for...for...for that clever book with all the words in. Suddenly "there ain't no party like an S Club party" seems like an awfully long time ago.
KYLIE
And you don't have to be English to pretend to be the perfectly regal lady. Despite re-inventing her image more times than Robbie Williams has had hot mingers, Kylie's appeal broadly rests on two key factors. One, she doesn't wear a right lot, and two, she acts like a princess. Naturally, the first factor is the one that gets most of the attention, but the second is FAR more interesting. Let's look at the facts, she's a former Aussie soap star, she's had a load of sugary pop hits, she struts around in her pants and she sings like a pixie robot. And yet she has the haughtiest glare in the southern hemisphere. That's what you call style...
CHRISTINA AGUILERA
Probably best not to linger too long on the word 'style' when we're looking at X-tina. In some ways she's as far removed from the chilled demeanour of Kylie, Rach and Soph as Dunstable is from Neptune. But even when she's hurling herself around a greasy wrestling ring in dirty (sorry, dirrty) chaps, there's a glint in Ms. Aguilera's eye which is pure cold royalty. In fact, the gentlemen of the world would do well to give thanks that Christina is quite so keen to act the grappling trollop. Just think of the disastrous damage she could inflict on male confidence worldwide, if she just had a wash and put some nice clothes on...
AVRIL LAVIGNE
By now you're probably convinced that we're scraping the ground underneath the bottom of the barrel, but bear with us. OK, she clearly hasn't had the benefit of an education at some swanky Swiss finishing school ("Miss Lavigne! Write out 'There are no such words as sk8r or boi' four million times!"), and she'd rather play wedgie games with Sum 41 than sip tea with the vicar. BUT, all you need to do is hand her the wrong type of coke, or fail to remove the Maltesers from her bag of Revels, and she'll write a vicious song about how rubbish you are before you can say "m'lady". That's, like, COLD, duuuude.
