Tell It To The Judge |
They fought the law, and the law won (except when it lost).
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 CHERYL TWEEDY vs. CLOAKROOM ATTENDANT
 Although it almost seems silly now, this court case was considered to be a major threat to the Aloud's still-getting-started career back in 2003. Not that we're saying being charged with causing Actual Bodily Harm to anyone is silly, mind. Cheryl had got herself a little too drunk in a Guildford nightclub, and then tried to steal (STEAL, no less!) a free lollipop from the ladies toilets. Cloakroom attendant Sophie Amogbokpa stopped her from making off with her stick-based swag, and there was a scuffle. Sophie claimed the attack was racially motivated, but Cheryl denied it, and the judge agreed. There are those who would suggest that Cheryl's current fling with Arsenal defender Ashley Cole is a transparent attempt to prove that she's definitely not prejudiced. But these nasty rumours don't really take into account how fit Ashley Cole is, right girls?
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 EMINEM vs. WIFE-SNOGGER
 We've all done it, haven't we? You go out with your mates for a night on the town, and you take a gun along with you. Everyone does that, right? But - and here's the clever bit - what you have to do is take the bullets out, so you won't get silly and, y'know, shoot anyone. But you still take the gun with you. Maybe you want to pretend it's a metal water pistol or something. Anyway, it was during this everyday kind of jaunt that Eminem spotted his wife Kim playing tonsil-hockey with a man called John Guerra. Out comes the gun, and there's a fight. Next thing you know, Em's in court - and looking rather hot in a suit - and charged with carrying a concealed weapon without a licence AND assault with a deadly weapon. Might we recommend taking something less scary with you next time, Marsh? Like a pea-shooter? No, how about just a pea?
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 PETE LIBERTINE vs. CARL LIBERTINE
 Pete's been in and out of court so often that the judge is thinking of adopting him to save time. He started his celebrity crime sheet with the night-raid that got immortalised in the Libertines song 'Can't Stand Me Now'. Pete was kicked off a Libs tour for being generally out of it, and so, in an act of revenge, he went round to bandmate Carl's flat, broke in, and stole a laptop and a guitar. He ended up in Wandsworth Prison as a result, but loyal Carl met him when he came out. Then he was arrested for carrying a flick-knife, and turned up to his court appearance playing a guitar through the sun-roof of a car. And THEN he was arrested for attempting to blackmail and rob film-maker Max Carlish. You can bet his library books are overdue too...
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 LEE RYAN vs. PAP SNAPPERS
 Pop stars love rucking with the paparazzi. It's one of the perks of being famous. As soon as you get your star membership card and golden key to the VIP areas of all the swanky clubs in the world, you get your own irritating little snap monkeys, ready to shove a wide-angled lens down your trousers and generally act in a most punchable fashion. So you can't really blame Lee Ryan for giving in to temptation and whacking papsters Conor Nolan and David Abiaw. Unfortunately, with the satisfaction of feeling a broken camera underfoot comes the certain knowledge that you have to cough up the cash to buy your snap-happy 'chum' a replacement. And Lee failed to do so quickly enough, so a warrant was issued for his arrest. Which, for a second, made wild Lee into an OUTLAW! Ooh! Sadly, it wasn't an act of angry rebelliousness on Lee's part, it was more an administrative mistake, and was quickly resolved when he paid in full. Tsk! Hardly Al Capone, is it?
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 MICHAEL JACKSON vs. THE WORLD
 There's literally no way to talk about this case without offending someone, even though it's all over now. There are legions of Jacko fans who, like, always KNEW, in their HEARTS that BEAUTIFUL MICHAEL is INNOCENT. They spent most of this year standing outside the courtroom, and waving their one white glove in the air whenever a car with blacked-out windows drove by. Then there's the vigilante gangs who've taken one look at the news stories about children's parties at Neverland, had a good think about Jacko's crumbling face and decided that every single rumour about the troubled star must be true, no matter how strange. They wouldn't believe he's innocent even if God wrote it in the sky. Then there's the third group who'd like nothing better than to put groups one and two into a locked room with a rabid porcupine and throw away the key. And oddly enough, this last lot are the sanest of all of 'em.
(The BBC would like to apologise to any porcupines that may find this suggestion offensive. But then, if you can read this, you're probably not a porcupine.)
Fraser M
14/06/2005
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Is there an artist who YOU'D like to see imprisoned for crimes against music? Tell us who!
Jack
Pete Burns for drink-driving
trecoolhugger
avril lavigne, charlie from fightstar, james from son of dork
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It's Party Time!  |
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We're having a party to celebrate the end of TOTP Online and the start of the Chart Blog...look who's here! |
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Big Bother |
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The normal show's over for another year, but there's still time to get our requests in for the next Celeb Big Brother... |
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When Song Titles Go Silly |
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Abandon sense, all ye who enter here to see the strangest song titles in pop history... |
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Dream TOTP Presenters |
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If only we'd had these people on our side, history would have been VERY different *sniff*... |
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Web-Singers |
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Five acts whose very career can be blamed on modern technology. |
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Doing It For The Kids |
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What if pop stars were left in charge of kids' TV for a day? Won't somebody think of the children? |
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Who Sean Did Next... |
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We all know Sean Paul likes to collaborate, but this is getting ridulous... |
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Take Cover! |
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Some popstars aren't so much people as forces of nature. Watch out for this lot... |
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The 5 Stages Of ROCK |
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OR: Why the humble whistle is the ultimate factor in deciding what ROCKS and what does NOT ROCK. |
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They Are The Resurrection |
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This lot didn't just cheat career death, they laughed in its face... |
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Britain's Next Pop Model |
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Mariah's planning to take the fashion world by storm, but she'll have to watch out for this lot... |
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Drama Queens |
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Forget reality TV - how would popstars fare in a TV drama? |
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Pop Conspiracies |
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Weird stuff happens in pop from time to time, it's enough to make some of us paranoid... |
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I'll Show YOU! |
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Popstars who should have left their egos behind, not their careers... |
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Crapper Rappers |
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Next time this lot pic up the mic, it had better be just to sing... |
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Reality Pop Stars |
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They've braved the glare of wall-to-wall cameras and survived. Well, mostly... |
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Indie-lympics |
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They're skinny, they're whiny, and they're doing it for Blighty! |
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Daft Predictions: 2006 |
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What will 2006 bring for this bunch of celebs? Are you sure you wanna know? |
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Secret Santa |
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If we were to give these popstars the perfect Chrimbo gift, we reckon these Xmas crackers would do the trick... |
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Xmas Turkeys |
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The kind of festive chart-toppers that would make Cliff Richard turn Scrooge. |
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Toy Story |
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Abandon your pressies! We bring you the pop toys you really wanted this Christmas, you lucky things! |
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Rock School |
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Girls Aloud are taking Biology, but who's got Double Maths, and who's hanging out behind the bike sheds? |
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Name Academy |
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Five acts whose names could've done with a re-think BEFORE the CDs got pressed up. |
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Food Fighters |
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As Snoop launches his own brand of Hot Dogg, we wonder who else will put their money where their mouth is. |
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Arty Popstars |
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They call themselves 'artists', but which pop stars would know one end of a gallery from the other? |
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Oi You! Outside Now! |
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If these chart rivals ever had to face-off in the pop ring, who would win? |
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Grow A Spine! |
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Some stars are wetter than others. Meet a few who you could wring out like a sponge... |
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Eaten By The Pop Beast |
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What's with all these bands losing members lately? Is it the work of some member-munching pop monster? |
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These Words...Are Bonkers |
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Never let a pop star sit down with a pen, they don't know what they're doing... |
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Too Long Titles |
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When it comes to picking short sharp song titles, this lot thought more was more... |
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Oi! Cheer up! |
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It's a case of one grump or two for these pop moodychops! |
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Charlie And The Mock-late Factory |
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The pop stars who narrowly failed to get a part in Willy Wonka (and not in a bad way...). |
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Parent Repellants |
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Playing your music loud is one thing, but bring home one of these bad boys and you'll be grounded into space dust. |
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Non-Stop Popsters |
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Rolling Stones are 40 years and still going. So, which of these pop gippers will be around in 2045? |
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Diet Hards |
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A cautionary tale for would-be dieters out there, in five easy to swallow pieces... |
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Bond Rocking Beats |
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Kanye and Robbie have sampled 007, but who else could remix a Bond theme? |
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Endorse-Mentalists |
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Is there ANYTHING that popstars won't sell on the side? Apparently not! |
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Y Kant U Spel Proply? |
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We asked a linguistics expert to mark pop songs for spelling mistakes. Just for fun! |
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Five acts we wanna see at Live 8 |
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No doubt about it, there's little to top that Live 8 lineup. Except... |
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Crooner Eclipse |
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We don't mind rappers acting the big 'I am', just as long as they don't sing... |
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Tell It To The Judge |
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They fought the law, and the law won (except when it lost). |
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Welcome Back! |
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The pop acts who YOU'D like to see strutting their stuff one more time... |
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Britney's Auction Items |
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Forget collecting the albums, these days fans want something a bit more personal from their fave stars... |
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The People That Elton Wronged |
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You don't have to be an incompetent journalist to earn a tongue-lashing from Lord Pop Almighty... |
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Lord Of The Blings |
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This lot weren't in the Lord Of The Rings films, but they should've been. Here's why... |
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You Still Here? |
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The bands who went past their sell-by date, and then reversed... |
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Ice Queens |
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These frosty popstrels could give scary lessons to the Blair Witch... |
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Have-A-Go Heroes |
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Trouble called, they answered. These pop stars are all Super Men (and woman). |
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Cover Calamities |
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If you love the song so much, why do you treat it so badly, popsters? |
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Skinny Indie Kids |
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Your mum thinks this lot could do with a good square meal, and she's not wrong... |
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