Grow A Spine! |
Some stars are wetter than others. Meet a few who you could wring out like a sponge...
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 James Blunt
 To some people, James's delicate tremor of a voice is evidence that you can be in the army and still come out with your sensitivity intact. To others, it's just proof that if you look like a girl and sing like a girl, you're a girl. The video for 'You're Beautiful' left no real doubt as to our Blunty's wetness credentials. Hell, he spent most of it getting more and more drenched, with little drip-drops rolling down his face like he'd be crying over the death of his beloved bunny wabbit. Action man, he is not.
See also: Damien Rice, Daniel Powter, David Gray.
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 Keane
 Now this lot confirm every stereotype about poshos in The Big Book Of Chinless Wonders. Their brand of rock music uses no guitars, as guitars are clearly both vulgar and common. Their singer should really be dressed in a choirboy robes. One of them has a double-barrelled name, and they went to a VERY swanky posh school in Tonbridge - which is near Poshtown - Kent. And, despite writing great big anthemic rock songs, they perform them in a very polite and considerate way. So it's less a case of 'lock up your daughters' and more 'who's been messing about in the wine cellar, Piers?'. Having said that, they'd be pretty handy in a fight, mainly because Tom has an enormous moon for a face, and all flying fists would find themselves drawn towards him, thanks to the miracle of gravity.
See also: Coldplay, Radiohead.
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 Athlete
 There are two things this band have in common with a pair of wrinkled curtains. One is that they stand a very good chance of being blown away in a high wind, and the other is that they could really do with pulling themselves together. It's not so much that they've got jelly for bones and little kitten squeaks for voices, it's that great big empty cathedral they've built to put their songs in. Just cos your songs are huge and echoey, it doesn't make them more meaningful or better than the Cheeky Girls, fellas. Granted, 'Wires' was written about an awful time in singer Joel's life, but did you have to write a whole album that sounds exactly like it? Ever heard the expression 'variety is the spice of life'? And stop snivelling, we're only trying to HELP...
See also: Embrace, Thirteen Senses.
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 Alex Parks
 Naturally, it would be a terrible thing for us to speak ill of a BBC discovery, especially when many of the people reading this will have spent good money making her the winner of Fame Academy. But c'mon! She's got a voice that sounds like she's thinking about every bad thing that ever happened to anyone ever. You could get Alex to sing 'The Wheels On The Bus' and it would cast a dark cloud over your entire life, forever. She sounds like she's crying ALL THE TIME, which is just vocal moodychoppery, as far as we're concerned. And she used to be a children's entertainer before she was famous! For whose kids? Marilyn Manson? Slipknot?
See also: Starsailor.
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 Usher
 Now before you all draw breath in to start yelling at your PC screens, think about it for a second. He shares a vocal register with Chris Martin, Blunty, and, well, most female singers you could name. He's fond of THE BIG BALLAD as a way of expressing his most tender feelings of love, affection, warmth, touchy-feely-ness, smooch-itude and all those other soppy things that girls value. He also likes to apologise for being a rubbish boyfriend via the medium of song, and when was the last time you heard 50 Cent doing that? Hell, even Craig David - who idolises Ush like kids adore sweets - is a more rogue-ish ladies man. Mind you, he's a lot more organised, if '7 Days' is anything to go by...
See also: Mario, R Kelly.
Fraser M
20/10/2005
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Who's the wettest pop person you can think of?
Sez
Mcfly and westlife, i mean-COME ON! They r jus so-urggh!! so cheesy
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It's Party Time!  |
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We're having a party to celebrate the end of TOTP Online and the start of the Chart Blog...look who's here! |
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Big Bother |
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The normal show's over for another year, but there's still time to get our requests in for the next Celeb Big Brother... |
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When Song Titles Go Silly |
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Abandon sense, all ye who enter here to see the strangest song titles in pop history... |
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Dream TOTP Presenters |
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If only we'd had these people on our side, history would have been VERY different *sniff*... |
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Web-Singers |
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Five acts whose very career can be blamed on modern technology. |
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Doing It For The Kids |
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What if pop stars were left in charge of kids' TV for a day? Won't somebody think of the children? |
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Who Sean Did Next... |
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We all know Sean Paul likes to collaborate, but this is getting ridulous... |
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Take Cover! |
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Some popstars aren't so much people as forces of nature. Watch out for this lot... |
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The 5 Stages Of ROCK |
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OR: Why the humble whistle is the ultimate factor in deciding what ROCKS and what does NOT ROCK. |
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They Are The Resurrection |
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This lot didn't just cheat career death, they laughed in its face... |
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Britain's Next Pop Model |
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Mariah's planning to take the fashion world by storm, but she'll have to watch out for this lot... |
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Drama Queens |
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Forget reality TV - how would popstars fare in a TV drama? |
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Pop Conspiracies |
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Weird stuff happens in pop from time to time, it's enough to make some of us paranoid... |
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I'll Show YOU! |
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Popstars who should have left their egos behind, not their careers... |
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Crapper Rappers |
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Next time this lot pic up the mic, it had better be just to sing... |
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Reality Pop Stars |
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They've braved the glare of wall-to-wall cameras and survived. Well, mostly... |
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Indie-lympics |
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They're skinny, they're whiny, and they're doing it for Blighty! |
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Daft Predictions: 2006 |
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What will 2006 bring for this bunch of celebs? Are you sure you wanna know? |
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Secret Santa |
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If we were to give these popstars the perfect Chrimbo gift, we reckon these Xmas crackers would do the trick... |
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Xmas Turkeys |
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The kind of festive chart-toppers that would make Cliff Richard turn Scrooge. |
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Toy Story |
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Abandon your pressies! We bring you the pop toys you really wanted this Christmas, you lucky things! |
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Rock School |
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Girls Aloud are taking Biology, but who's got Double Maths, and who's hanging out behind the bike sheds? |
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Name Academy |
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Five acts whose names could've done with a re-think BEFORE the CDs got pressed up. |
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Food Fighters |
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As Snoop launches his own brand of Hot Dogg, we wonder who else will put their money where their mouth is. |
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Arty Popstars |
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They call themselves 'artists', but which pop stars would know one end of a gallery from the other? |
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Oi You! Outside Now! |
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If these chart rivals ever had to face-off in the pop ring, who would win? |
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Grow A Spine! |
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Some stars are wetter than others. Meet a few who you could wring out like a sponge... |
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Eaten By The Pop Beast |
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What's with all these bands losing members lately? Is it the work of some member-munching pop monster? |
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These Words...Are Bonkers |
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Never let a pop star sit down with a pen, they don't know what they're doing... |
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Too Long Titles |
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When it comes to picking short sharp song titles, this lot thought more was more... |
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Oi! Cheer up! |
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It's a case of one grump or two for these pop moodychops! |
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Charlie And The Mock-late Factory |
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The pop stars who narrowly failed to get a part in Willy Wonka (and not in a bad way...). |
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Parent Repellants |
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Playing your music loud is one thing, but bring home one of these bad boys and you'll be grounded into space dust. |
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Non-Stop Popsters |
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Rolling Stones are 40 years and still going. So, which of these pop gippers will be around in 2045? |
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Diet Hards |
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A cautionary tale for would-be dieters out there, in five easy to swallow pieces... |
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Bond Rocking Beats |
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Kanye and Robbie have sampled 007, but who else could remix a Bond theme? |
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Endorse-Mentalists |
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Is there ANYTHING that popstars won't sell on the side? Apparently not! |
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Y Kant U Spel Proply? |
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We asked a linguistics expert to mark pop songs for spelling mistakes. Just for fun! |
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Five acts we wanna see at Live 8 |
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No doubt about it, there's little to top that Live 8 lineup. Except... |
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Crooner Eclipse |
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We don't mind rappers acting the big 'I am', just as long as they don't sing... |
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Tell It To The Judge |
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They fought the law, and the law won (except when it lost). |
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Welcome Back! |
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The pop acts who YOU'D like to see strutting their stuff one more time... |
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Britney's Auction Items |
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Forget collecting the albums, these days fans want something a bit more personal from their fave stars... |
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The People That Elton Wronged |
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You don't have to be an incompetent journalist to earn a tongue-lashing from Lord Pop Almighty... |
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Lord Of The Blings |
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This lot weren't in the Lord Of The Rings films, but they should've been. Here's why... |
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You Still Here? |
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The bands who went past their sell-by date, and then reversed... |
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Ice Queens |
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These frosty popstrels could give scary lessons to the Blair Witch... |
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Have-A-Go Heroes |
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Trouble called, they answered. These pop stars are all Super Men (and woman). |
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Cover Calamities |
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If you love the song so much, why do you treat it so badly, popsters? |
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Skinny Indie Kids |
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Your mum thinks this lot could do with a good square meal, and she's not wrong... |
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