Secret Santa |
If we were to give these popstars the perfect Chrimbo gift, we reckon these Xmas crackers would do the trick...
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 Charlotte Church
 Top pop pressie: A detox kit. Not that we want to give Charl a bad name, but after being photographed falling out of countless peoplecarriers looking, how can we say this nicely, like she's fallen under the wagon, we fear for the Welsh one's liver. Let's just say if we were to wring it out, we could probably keep boyf Gav and the rest of the Welsh rugby team in beer for till Boxing Day at least. But recent comments about extended pub opening hours may suggest that Charlie has had a change of heart. She recently told Frank Skinner: "For older people it's good, but for teenagers it's not good at all. They just won't go home. It will be a mess and there will be so many stomachs pumped." In which case, perhaps a large bucket would be more useful. Euuwww!
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 Madonna
 Top pop pressie: New pair of tights. Who'd have thought that the woman who really does have everything - a decades-spanning uber-successful music/record producing/book writing/film making career (just go with us on this last one), two 'beautiful' children, a 'sexy' film-directing husband, and enough cash to buy Britney's entire collection of diamante-encrusted doggie tracksuits - couldn't afford a pair of nice leg-warming woollies. In her vid for 'Hung Up' they stop just below the knee, ferchrisakes! Did the tights-making person fall asleep half way through, or what? And why stop there? We could even buy her a decent pair of trousers as well. Come on Madge, didn't your dad ever tell you that you can't swan about in winter with nothing but a nylon beermat covering your nethers? Unpack the Parka, or you'll not be getting any presents from Santa this Xmas!
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 Girls Aloud
 Top pop pressie: A big fat science book. Listen ladies, you may have the glam outfits and perfect looks, but there's no escaping the fact that actually, you know nothing about biology or chemistry - at all! And frankly, we think trying to pass yourself off as brainboxes isn't gonna win the geeky boy vote (a simple swimsuit calendar would have done the job). Since when, tell us, does biology entail fooling, feeding, and say you're needing, without wicked games? Hmmm? You need to at least demonstrate a knowledge of bodily functions (and no, Cheryl, we do NOT want to know what you get up to with Ashley Cole). Still, you wouldn't be the first pop upstarts to pretend to be something you're not - look at the Arctic Monkeys! They're not from the Arctic and they don't look like...oh...hang on.
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 Westlife
 Top pop pressie: Some magnets. Stay with us, you'll see where this is going in a sec. See, here's the problem. Have you ever seen Westlife manage to croon their way through even one song without eventually being pulled uncontrollably off their seats? No, us neither. It's as if some invisible chorus-guzzling monster is trying to suck them off their stools mid-song. That's gotta be quite annoying, not to mention knackering, to not be able to sit still for the duration of your average pop single (and let's be honest, some of them are very average). So, how about attaching some magnets to their pants that the fellas could wear on stage. Then we simply place a larger magnet below each of their seats, and hey presto. Instant sit-ability! The only other option would involve really big safety pins, and we're not sure the boys are ready for that.
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 Mutya Sugababe
 Top pop pressie: Some very funny videos. Yes, yes, Mutya. We know it must be truly tiresome to be a member of a top pop band, making oodles of dosh and flying round the world in a private jet while drinking champagne and nibbling nuts off the waxed body of an male underwear model (sorry, we got you mixed up with Mariah Carey for a moment there). Seriously, though, a smile would not go amiss! In fact, we bet if Santa popped down your chimney on Christmas morning and left you the world on a stick you'd still shout: "This handle doesn't fit the exact contours of my hand, dammit!" and grumble off to the kitchen for a swift Egg Nog. Still, maybe Heidi and Keisha could splash some cash and invest in a large whoopee cushion. A perfect way to liven up a dull Xmas arvo in front of the telly, we think! Smirk.
Jenny S
21/12/2005
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It's Party Time!  |
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We're having a party to celebrate the end of TOTP Online and the start of the Chart Blog...look who's here! |
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Big Bother |
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The normal show's over for another year, but there's still time to get our requests in for the next Celeb Big Brother... |
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When Song Titles Go Silly |
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Abandon sense, all ye who enter here to see the strangest song titles in pop history... |
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Dream TOTP Presenters |
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If only we'd had these people on our side, history would have been VERY different *sniff*... |
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Web-Singers |
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Five acts whose very career can be blamed on modern technology. |
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Doing It For The Kids |
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What if pop stars were left in charge of kids' TV for a day? Won't somebody think of the children? |
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Who Sean Did Next... |
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We all know Sean Paul likes to collaborate, but this is getting ridulous... |
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Take Cover! |
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Some popstars aren't so much people as forces of nature. Watch out for this lot... |
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The 5 Stages Of ROCK |
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OR: Why the humble whistle is the ultimate factor in deciding what ROCKS and what does NOT ROCK. |
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They Are The Resurrection |
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This lot didn't just cheat career death, they laughed in its face... |
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Britain's Next Pop Model |
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Mariah's planning to take the fashion world by storm, but she'll have to watch out for this lot... |
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Drama Queens |
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Forget reality TV - how would popstars fare in a TV drama? |
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Pop Conspiracies |
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Weird stuff happens in pop from time to time, it's enough to make some of us paranoid... |
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I'll Show YOU! |
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Popstars who should have left their egos behind, not their careers... |
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Crapper Rappers |
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Next time this lot pic up the mic, it had better be just to sing... |
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Reality Pop Stars |
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They've braved the glare of wall-to-wall cameras and survived. Well, mostly... |
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Indie-lympics |
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They're skinny, they're whiny, and they're doing it for Blighty! |
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Daft Predictions: 2006 |
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What will 2006 bring for this bunch of celebs? Are you sure you wanna know? |
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Secret Santa |
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If we were to give these popstars the perfect Chrimbo gift, we reckon these Xmas crackers would do the trick... |
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Xmas Turkeys |
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The kind of festive chart-toppers that would make Cliff Richard turn Scrooge. |
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Toy Story |
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Abandon your pressies! We bring you the pop toys you really wanted this Christmas, you lucky things! |
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Rock School |
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Girls Aloud are taking Biology, but who's got Double Maths, and who's hanging out behind the bike sheds? |
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Name Academy |
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Five acts whose names could've done with a re-think BEFORE the CDs got pressed up. |
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Food Fighters |
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As Snoop launches his own brand of Hot Dogg, we wonder who else will put their money where their mouth is. |
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Arty Popstars |
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They call themselves 'artists', but which pop stars would know one end of a gallery from the other? |
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Oi You! Outside Now! |
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If these chart rivals ever had to face-off in the pop ring, who would win? |
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Grow A Spine! |
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Some stars are wetter than others. Meet a few who you could wring out like a sponge... |
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Eaten By The Pop Beast |
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What's with all these bands losing members lately? Is it the work of some member-munching pop monster? |
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These Words...Are Bonkers |
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Never let a pop star sit down with a pen, they don't know what they're doing... |
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Too Long Titles |
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When it comes to picking short sharp song titles, this lot thought more was more... |
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Oi! Cheer up! |
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It's a case of one grump or two for these pop moodychops! |
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Charlie And The Mock-late Factory |
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The pop stars who narrowly failed to get a part in Willy Wonka (and not in a bad way...). |
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Parent Repellants |
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Playing your music loud is one thing, but bring home one of these bad boys and you'll be grounded into space dust. |
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Non-Stop Popsters |
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Rolling Stones are 40 years and still going. So, which of these pop gippers will be around in 2045? |
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Diet Hards |
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A cautionary tale for would-be dieters out there, in five easy to swallow pieces... |
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Bond Rocking Beats |
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Kanye and Robbie have sampled 007, but who else could remix a Bond theme? |
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Endorse-Mentalists |
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Is there ANYTHING that popstars won't sell on the side? Apparently not! |
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Y Kant U Spel Proply? |
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We asked a linguistics expert to mark pop songs for spelling mistakes. Just for fun! |
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Five acts we wanna see at Live 8 |
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No doubt about it, there's little to top that Live 8 lineup. Except... |
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Crooner Eclipse |
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We don't mind rappers acting the big 'I am', just as long as they don't sing... |
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Tell It To The Judge |
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They fought the law, and the law won (except when it lost). |
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Welcome Back! |
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The pop acts who YOU'D like to see strutting their stuff one more time... |
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Britney's Auction Items |
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Forget collecting the albums, these days fans want something a bit more personal from their fave stars... |
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The People That Elton Wronged |
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You don't have to be an incompetent journalist to earn a tongue-lashing from Lord Pop Almighty... |
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Lord Of The Blings |
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This lot weren't in the Lord Of The Rings films, but they should've been. Here's why... |
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You Still Here? |
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The bands who went past their sell-by date, and then reversed... |
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Ice Queens |
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These frosty popstrels could give scary lessons to the Blair Witch... |
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Have-A-Go Heroes |
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Trouble called, they answered. These pop stars are all Super Men (and woman). |
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Cover Calamities |
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If you love the song so much, why do you treat it so badly, popsters? |
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Skinny Indie Kids |
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Your mum thinks this lot could do with a good square meal, and she's not wrong... |
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