Xmas Turkeys |
The kind of festive chart-toppers that would make Cliff Richard turn Scrooge.
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 Mr Blobby - 'Mr Blobby'
 Oh, it's like some kind of bad dream, looking back on this one. And it's going to take some explaining. Way back in 1993, when most of the current pop crop was still in nappies, there was a Saturday evening TV show called Noel's House Party. It featured this pink-faced rubber buffoon, who would lurch about, shouting his name and various nonsense words at the top of his voice and then fall over in a hillarious fashion...a LOT. Naturally, everyone loved him, and he ended up making a shockingly bad cash-in record which went to the top of the charts. One year later, another man called Noel entered the charts with his band Oasis. And their lead singer acts in exactly the same way. Coincidence? As if!
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 Michael Andrews ft. Gary Jules - 'Mad World'
 Season of JOY and GOODWILL to all? HAPPY Christmas? Knackers to that! What we, the music-loving public of 2003, want most at this time of year is a miserable cover version of some old '80s synthpop hit. And what we'd really love is if someone could take this perky little song, with its overly-dramatic lyrics, and make it sound like some sort of prayer for the dead, or the nearly-dead, or, failing that, the really, really ill. This is because we want to feel a little smug that we didn't get, like, CONNED into buying some RUBBISH festive cover song by a ONE-HIT WONDER. We wouldn't buy some tatty nonsense just because it had been in a film, would we? What do you think we are? Stupid? Oh.
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 The Spice Girls - 3 Become (Number) 1
 For a bunch of titchy-girls (those heels were a necessity, believe me), the Spicers certainly knew a thing or two about thinking big. One Xmas chart-topper is all very well, two is a cause for celebration, but THREE? In a ROW? That's preposterous! First there was '2 Become 1' from 1996; their third No.1, and first ever ballad. This was followed by their film spin-off ballad 'Too Much' a year later (anyone remember Spiceworld?). Then, after Geri left, the four remaining Spicers sent her off with, you've guessed it, a ballad called 'Goodbye'. Somewhere in Ireland, Boyzone were taking copious notes. Something along the lines of "Ballads=GOOD, Big Shoes=BAD", probably...
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 Bob The Builder - 'Can We Fix It?'
 Some bright spark in a record company probably got given a free sports car for this one. You can see the logic too. Christmas is a time for children, and toys. And in 2000, every self-respecting child was wasting every spare second they didn't spend screaming, fighting, eating jelly and throwing stuff obsessing over toys of Bob and his constructive friends. Add to this the fact that Mr The Builder already had a theme tune that basically rocks, in a kiddy kind of way, and you've got a surefire festive chart-topper. Extra points were awarded for ribbing Liam Gallagher in the video, and then taken away again because pop isn't just for kids. Right kids?
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 Robbie Williams/Nicole Kidman - 'Somethin' Stupid'
 Nor, Mr Williams, is pop a place for you to swank around in a tie, pretending to be one of your dad's musical heroes. You're not on Fame Academy, y'know. And how come Nicole Kidman - fresh from her 2001 success in Moulin Rouge, hottest movie lady in the world - got roped in to help remake Frank and Nancy Sinatra's '60s swing-fest? Looking back, you can see Rob's sudden shift from acting like a man with a point to prove to one of the smuggest pop stars you've ever seen in your life started just here. Plus, if he hadn't gone swing, Westlife's 'Allow Us To Be Frank' would never have been made. Which would've saved a lot of wear and tear on the frustrated foreheads of a pun-weary nation.
Fraser M
21/12/2005
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It's Party Time!  |
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We're having a party to celebrate the end of TOTP Online and the start of the Chart Blog...look who's here! |
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Big Bother |
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The normal show's over for another year, but there's still time to get our requests in for the next Celeb Big Brother... |
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When Song Titles Go Silly |
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Abandon sense, all ye who enter here to see the strangest song titles in pop history... |
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Dream TOTP Presenters |
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If only we'd had these people on our side, history would have been VERY different *sniff*... |
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Web-Singers |
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Five acts whose very career can be blamed on modern technology. |
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Doing It For The Kids |
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What if pop stars were left in charge of kids' TV for a day? Won't somebody think of the children? |
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Who Sean Did Next... |
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We all know Sean Paul likes to collaborate, but this is getting ridulous... |
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Take Cover! |
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Some popstars aren't so much people as forces of nature. Watch out for this lot... |
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The 5 Stages Of ROCK |
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OR: Why the humble whistle is the ultimate factor in deciding what ROCKS and what does NOT ROCK. |
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They Are The Resurrection |
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This lot didn't just cheat career death, they laughed in its face... |
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Britain's Next Pop Model |
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Mariah's planning to take the fashion world by storm, but she'll have to watch out for this lot... |
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Drama Queens |
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Forget reality TV - how would popstars fare in a TV drama? |
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Pop Conspiracies |
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Weird stuff happens in pop from time to time, it's enough to make some of us paranoid... |
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I'll Show YOU! |
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Popstars who should have left their egos behind, not their careers... |
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Crapper Rappers |
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Next time this lot pic up the mic, it had better be just to sing... |
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Reality Pop Stars |
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They've braved the glare of wall-to-wall cameras and survived. Well, mostly... |
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Indie-lympics |
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They're skinny, they're whiny, and they're doing it for Blighty! |
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Daft Predictions: 2006 |
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What will 2006 bring for this bunch of celebs? Are you sure you wanna know? |
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Secret Santa |
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If we were to give these popstars the perfect Chrimbo gift, we reckon these Xmas crackers would do the trick... |
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Xmas Turkeys |
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The kind of festive chart-toppers that would make Cliff Richard turn Scrooge. |
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Toy Story |
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Abandon your pressies! We bring you the pop toys you really wanted this Christmas, you lucky things! |
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Rock School |
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Girls Aloud are taking Biology, but who's got Double Maths, and who's hanging out behind the bike sheds? |
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Name Academy |
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Five acts whose names could've done with a re-think BEFORE the CDs got pressed up. |
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Food Fighters |
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As Snoop launches his own brand of Hot Dogg, we wonder who else will put their money where their mouth is. |
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Arty Popstars |
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They call themselves 'artists', but which pop stars would know one end of a gallery from the other? |
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Oi You! Outside Now! |
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If these chart rivals ever had to face-off in the pop ring, who would win? |
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Grow A Spine! |
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Some stars are wetter than others. Meet a few who you could wring out like a sponge... |
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Eaten By The Pop Beast |
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What's with all these bands losing members lately? Is it the work of some member-munching pop monster? |
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These Words...Are Bonkers |
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Never let a pop star sit down with a pen, they don't know what they're doing... |
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Too Long Titles |
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When it comes to picking short sharp song titles, this lot thought more was more... |
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Oi! Cheer up! |
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It's a case of one grump or two for these pop moodychops! |
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Charlie And The Mock-late Factory |
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The pop stars who narrowly failed to get a part in Willy Wonka (and not in a bad way...). |
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Parent Repellants |
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Playing your music loud is one thing, but bring home one of these bad boys and you'll be grounded into space dust. |
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Non-Stop Popsters |
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Rolling Stones are 40 years and still going. So, which of these pop gippers will be around in 2045? |
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Diet Hards |
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A cautionary tale for would-be dieters out there, in five easy to swallow pieces... |
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Bond Rocking Beats |
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Kanye and Robbie have sampled 007, but who else could remix a Bond theme? |
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Endorse-Mentalists |
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Is there ANYTHING that popstars won't sell on the side? Apparently not! |
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Y Kant U Spel Proply? |
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We asked a linguistics expert to mark pop songs for spelling mistakes. Just for fun! |
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Five acts we wanna see at Live 8 |
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No doubt about it, there's little to top that Live 8 lineup. Except... |
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Crooner Eclipse |
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We don't mind rappers acting the big 'I am', just as long as they don't sing... |
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Tell It To The Judge |
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They fought the law, and the law won (except when it lost). |
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Welcome Back! |
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The pop acts who YOU'D like to see strutting their stuff one more time... |
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Britney's Auction Items |
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Forget collecting the albums, these days fans want something a bit more personal from their fave stars... |
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The People That Elton Wronged |
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You don't have to be an incompetent journalist to earn a tongue-lashing from Lord Pop Almighty... |
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Lord Of The Blings |
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This lot weren't in the Lord Of The Rings films, but they should've been. Here's why... |
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You Still Here? |
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The bands who went past their sell-by date, and then reversed... |
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Ice Queens |
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These frosty popstrels could give scary lessons to the Blair Witch... |
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Have-A-Go Heroes |
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Trouble called, they answered. These pop stars are all Super Men (and woman). |
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Cover Calamities |
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If you love the song so much, why do you treat it so badly, popsters? |
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Skinny Indie Kids |
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Your mum thinks this lot could do with a good square meal, and she's not wrong... |
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