Crapper Rappers |
Next time this lot pic up the mic, it had better be just to sing...
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 Britney Spears
 There are many things that Britney does well: Singing? Yep, very good at that. Lizard impressions (See 'I'm A Slave 4U')? No one does it better. Picking rubbish husbands? Oh yeah, she's Olympic standard. Rapping! Errrrrrrk! We're gonna have to stop you there. Take 'Do Somethin' - great electrified pop song, but what's this, in the verses, there's the sound of a broken coffee percolator filled with custard where the singing should be. Oi! Spears! Next time you feel like rapping, Do Suttin else!
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 Robbie Williams
 He might be our premier croon-atic, but Robbie has yet to be punished for his crimes against rap -ment. We refer you to Article A from 'Kids', which goes "I'm an honorary Sean Connery, born '74. There's only one of me." and "I've been looking for serial monogamy. Not some bird that looks like Billy Connolly." And to this day, Robbie is banned from treading on Scottish soil. Meanwhile, 'Rock DJ' features a rap interlude that's as fizzy as a wet bag full of week-old sherbert, delivered with all the focus of a man picking his nose during a Sunday afternoon movie. Don't wanna Rock, DJ? Yeah, we're getting that, Robbie.
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 Victoria Beckham
 Once upon a time, there was a rap mogul called Damon Dash, and one day, he had an idea...
"OK, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take the Queen of United England-dom, whatshername, Lady Spice-ingham, right? Yeah, her, and then I'm gonna make a hip hop album with her. It'll be dope! What's that? She can't rap? Ah, that's OK, she can sing right? I can just get her to sing on the records. Hell, I'll get Kanye to do the rap."
Two weeks later...
"Hello, Kanye, it's Dash! Listen, I've got a bit of a problem. I hooked up with this Spice broad from England-land, y'know, Lady Poshingham, and well, she's done a whole bunch of songs and we need a rapper to beef them up a bit. Here, listen. Hear that? Do you think you can help me out? There's one other thing though, buddy. I er, need you to do the singing as well. Well, she'll be in the videos. Er, for decoration? Kanye? You still there?"
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 Shane Lynch/Keith Duffy
 When Boyzone split and all the girls started crying, Shane and Keith offered them a salt and vinegar-doused hanky in the form of a badly rapped cover of a bad '80s pop song. Which is a bit like handing a used loo brush to a girl whose hamster has just died. Shane and fellow 'Zoneer Keith's cover of Milli Vanilli's 'Girl U Know It's True' (the one that was 'sung' by people who couldn't sing? Genius!) featured such lyrical gems as: "Westlife, lowlife, go and get your own life...", delivered with all the verbal skill of men who'd just had eight fillings each from a blind dentist. Keith's safely in the clutches of Corrie now, but be warned, Shane's been quiet for a while, which either means something very good, or very, very bad.
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 Madonna
 "I'm drinkin' a soy latte, I get a double shot-te, it goes right through my body, and you know I'm satisfied. I drive my Mini Cooper, and I'm feeling super-duper, yo, they tell me I'm a trooper, and you know I'm satisfied. I do yoga and pilates, and the room is full of hotties, so I'm checking out their bodies, and you know I'm satisfied. I'm diggin' on the isotope, this metaphysics s*** is dope, and if all this can give me hope, you know I'm satisfied. I got a lawyer and a manager, an agent and a chef, three nannies, an assistant, and a driver and a jet. A trainer and a butler, and a bodyguard or five, a gardener and a stylist. Do you think I'm satisfied?" Er, any questions?
Tae M
09/02/2006
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It's Party Time!  |
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We're having a party to celebrate the end of TOTP Online and the start of the Chart Blog...look who's here! |
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Big Bother |
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The normal show's over for another year, but there's still time to get our requests in for the next Celeb Big Brother... |
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When Song Titles Go Silly |
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Abandon sense, all ye who enter here to see the strangest song titles in pop history... |
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Dream TOTP Presenters |
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If only we'd had these people on our side, history would have been VERY different *sniff*... |
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Web-Singers |
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Five acts whose very career can be blamed on modern technology. |
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Doing It For The Kids |
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What if pop stars were left in charge of kids' TV for a day? Won't somebody think of the children? |
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Who Sean Did Next... |
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We all know Sean Paul likes to collaborate, but this is getting ridulous... |
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Take Cover! |
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Some popstars aren't so much people as forces of nature. Watch out for this lot... |
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The 5 Stages Of ROCK |
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OR: Why the humble whistle is the ultimate factor in deciding what ROCKS and what does NOT ROCK. |
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They Are The Resurrection |
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This lot didn't just cheat career death, they laughed in its face... |
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Britain's Next Pop Model |
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Mariah's planning to take the fashion world by storm, but she'll have to watch out for this lot... |
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Drama Queens |
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Forget reality TV - how would popstars fare in a TV drama? |
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Pop Conspiracies |
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Weird stuff happens in pop from time to time, it's enough to make some of us paranoid... |
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I'll Show YOU! |
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Popstars who should have left their egos behind, not their careers... |
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Crapper Rappers |
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Next time this lot pic up the mic, it had better be just to sing... |
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Reality Pop Stars |
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They've braved the glare of wall-to-wall cameras and survived. Well, mostly... |
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Indie-lympics |
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They're skinny, they're whiny, and they're doing it for Blighty! |
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Daft Predictions: 2006 |
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What will 2006 bring for this bunch of celebs? Are you sure you wanna know? |
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Secret Santa |
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If we were to give these popstars the perfect Chrimbo gift, we reckon these Xmas crackers would do the trick... |
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Xmas Turkeys |
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The kind of festive chart-toppers that would make Cliff Richard turn Scrooge. |
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Toy Story |
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Abandon your pressies! We bring you the pop toys you really wanted this Christmas, you lucky things! |
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Rock School |
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Girls Aloud are taking Biology, but who's got Double Maths, and who's hanging out behind the bike sheds? |
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Name Academy |
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Five acts whose names could've done with a re-think BEFORE the CDs got pressed up. |
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Food Fighters |
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As Snoop launches his own brand of Hot Dogg, we wonder who else will put their money where their mouth is. |
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Arty Popstars |
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They call themselves 'artists', but which pop stars would know one end of a gallery from the other? |
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Oi You! Outside Now! |
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If these chart rivals ever had to face-off in the pop ring, who would win? |
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Grow A Spine! |
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Some stars are wetter than others. Meet a few who you could wring out like a sponge... |
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Eaten By The Pop Beast |
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What's with all these bands losing members lately? Is it the work of some member-munching pop monster? |
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These Words...Are Bonkers |
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Never let a pop star sit down with a pen, they don't know what they're doing... |
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Too Long Titles |
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When it comes to picking short sharp song titles, this lot thought more was more... |
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Oi! Cheer up! |
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It's a case of one grump or two for these pop moodychops! |
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Charlie And The Mock-late Factory |
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The pop stars who narrowly failed to get a part in Willy Wonka (and not in a bad way...). |
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Parent Repellants |
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Playing your music loud is one thing, but bring home one of these bad boys and you'll be grounded into space dust. |
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Non-Stop Popsters |
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Rolling Stones are 40 years and still going. So, which of these pop gippers will be around in 2045? |
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Diet Hards |
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A cautionary tale for would-be dieters out there, in five easy to swallow pieces... |
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Bond Rocking Beats |
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Kanye and Robbie have sampled 007, but who else could remix a Bond theme? |
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Endorse-Mentalists |
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Is there ANYTHING that popstars won't sell on the side? Apparently not! |
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Y Kant U Spel Proply? |
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We asked a linguistics expert to mark pop songs for spelling mistakes. Just for fun! |
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Five acts we wanna see at Live 8 |
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No doubt about it, there's little to top that Live 8 lineup. Except... |
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Crooner Eclipse |
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We don't mind rappers acting the big 'I am', just as long as they don't sing... |
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Tell It To The Judge |
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They fought the law, and the law won (except when it lost). |
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Welcome Back! |
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The pop acts who YOU'D like to see strutting their stuff one more time... |
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Britney's Auction Items |
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Forget collecting the albums, these days fans want something a bit more personal from their fave stars... |
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The People That Elton Wronged |
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You don't have to be an incompetent journalist to earn a tongue-lashing from Lord Pop Almighty... |
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Lord Of The Blings |
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This lot weren't in the Lord Of The Rings films, but they should've been. Here's why... |
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You Still Here? |
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The bands who went past their sell-by date, and then reversed... |
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Ice Queens |
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These frosty popstrels could give scary lessons to the Blair Witch... |
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Have-A-Go Heroes |
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Trouble called, they answered. These pop stars are all Super Men (and woman). |
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Cover Calamities |
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If you love the song so much, why do you treat it so badly, popsters? |
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Skinny Indie Kids |
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Your mum thinks this lot could do with a good square meal, and she's not wrong... |
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