Weird stuff happens in pop from time to time, it's enough to make some of us paranoid...
Sugababes: Amellegeddon One minute she's leaving to bring up her daughter, the next Mutya is planning a solo career, the next, she's gone! But without any real evidence to say one way or another, we've concluded that Mutya has been mind-wiped and relocated to somewhere out of the way. Meanwhile, Amelle, or according to our research, Amellebot 1.9 is free to beam record label suggestions directly into Heidi and Keisha's brains when they're not looking, and oversee the re-recording and re-releasing of all four Sugababes albums with new Amelle-ised vocals. Now then, all we need to do is tell some meddling kids...
James Blunt Cold-Ploy Pop experiments go wrong all the time (Hello Chico!), but none so wrong as Coldplay's ploy to introduce a fellow acousti-boy so drenched in wet, soppy sensitivity, he'd make Chris and co look like Fiddy's bouncers. Trouble is, if they'd run a proper background check on James 'Mad Dog' Blunt they'd have discovered that, while he might sound like a garden gnome on throat sweets, he's hard enough to jump into freezing cold water and set himself on fire in videos, and be a mega-hard army captain in the real world. D and Oh! Obviously, Chris is still a bit sensitive about it.
Lee Ryan's Brain Dolphin Not a lot of people know this, but there is a perfectly logical reason for some of Lee's more peculiar behaviour. The now-famous statement about whales and dolphins, his love of all things lady, that weird clicking noise he makes when he's excited - it's all down to the tiny dolphin swimming around Lee's head. No, really! The little fella swam in during a family holiday years ago and lack of sunlight has kept him small enough not to be noticed. Of course, if Lee is dribbling beer everywhere, chances are there's a blowhole tantrum taking place. And whatever you do, don't go anywhere near him with hoops, brightly
coloured balls, or fish.
The Braun Identity Think about it. He's got an eye for the ladeez. He's buffer than a lift full of wrestlers, and he can strip a handgun in the time it takes to say "Now let's sort this out over a nice hot cup of tea." Fiddy didn't get those bullet wounds on the streets of Queens. He got them doing spy stuff! And all that bling isn't for show. He's raising funds for a secret corporation to build a "giant laser" that could blow up THE WORLD! Uh! Uh! Yeah! Yeah! They won't use it of course, they just want to hold it a bit... in pop videos.
The God Complex But you don't have to worry about the world blowing up. You don't have to worry about anything. Know why? Cos you don't exist. None of us do. Y'see, you, me and everything else on this planet is just a figment of a God-like figure's imagination. The only reason we're here right now is to suggest that the reason why all his songs are No.1 forever all over the world is because right now, he's feeling a bit paranoid. But you didn't hear that from us. Right, Kanye? Can you see us saying nice things about you? Please let us Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...
Sugababes: Amellegeddon
One minute she's leaving to bring up her daughter, the next Mutya is planning a solo career, the next, she's gone! But without any real evidence to say one way or another, we've concluded that Mutya has been mind-wiped and relocated to somewhere out of the way. Meanwhile, Amelle, or according to our research, Amellebot 1.9 is free to beam record label suggestions directly into Heidi and Keisha's brains when they're not looking, and oversee the re-recording and re-releasing of all four Sugababes albums with new Amelle-ised vocals. Now then, all we need to do is tell some meddling kids...
James Blunt Cold-Ploy
Pop experiments go wrong all the time (Hello Chico!), but none so wrong as Coldplay's ploy to introduce a fellow acousti-boy so drenched in wet, soppy sensitivity, he'd make Chris and co look like Fiddy's bouncers. Trouble is, if they'd run a proper background check on James 'Mad Dog' Blunt they'd have discovered that, while he might sound like a garden gnome on throat sweets, he's hard enough to jump into freezing cold water and set himself on fire in videos, and be a mega-hard army captain in the real world. D and Oh! Obviously, Chris is still a bit sensitive about it.
Lee Ryan's Brain Dolphin
Not a lot of people know this, but there is a perfectly logical reason for some of Lee's more peculiar behaviour. The now-famous statement about whales and dolphins, his love of all things lady, that weird clicking noise he makes when he's excited - it's all down to the tiny dolphin swimming around Lee's head. No, really! The little fella swam in during a family holiday years ago and lack of sunlight has kept him small enough not to be noticed. Of course, if Lee is dribbling beer everywhere, chances are there's a blowhole tantrum taking place. And whatever you do, don't go anywhere near him with hoops, brightly
coloured balls, or fish.
The Braun Identity
Think about it. He's got an eye for the ladeez. He's buffer than a lift full of wrestlers, and he can strip a handgun in the time it takes to say "Now let's sort this out over a nice hot cup of tea." Fiddy didn't get those bullet wounds on the streets of Queens. He got them doing spy stuff! And all that bling isn't for show. He's raising funds for a secret corporation to build a "giant laser" that could blow up THE WORLD! Uh! Uh! Yeah! Yeah! They won't use it of course, they just want to hold it a bit... in pop videos.
The God Complex
But you don't have to worry about the world blowing up. You don't have to worry about anything. Know why? Cos you don't exist. None of us do. Y'see, you, me and everything else on this planet is just a figment of a God-like figure's imagination. The only reason we're here right now is to suggest that the reason why all his songs are No.1 forever all over the world is because right now, he's feeling a bit paranoid. But you didn't hear that from us. Right, Kanye? Can you see us saying nice things about you? Please let us Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...
