Britain's Next Pop Model |
Mariah's planning to take the fashion world by storm, but she'll have to watch out for this lot...
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 50 Cent
 Obviously we wouldn't expect Fiddy to strut down the catwalk - for one thing it's far too girly, and we doubt he'd be able to wear his bullet-proof vest under his couture Gucci gown - but there's no reason why he couldn't do other forms of modelling. Hand modelling, for example. Who knows how to work the bling better than Fiddy? He knows all the fly moves to show off that ten-squillion dollar gold bracelet (er, not bracelet. We mean man bangle) and those long, broad fingers could easily handle ten rings apiece. You could show off an entire shop window's worth of stuff in one shot! And if you want to take slightly more artsy photographs using the model's whole body, your wardrobe budget would be halved instantly because you just know Fiddy wouldn't require a shirt. He's so accommodating, that Mr Cent...
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 Preston
 A world away from the high-fashion lifestyle of Fiddy, Preston could be raking in a less glamorous but still lucrative living as a model for those catalogues that fall out of the Sunday papers. Y'know, the ones where the words "machine-washable" are twice the size of anything else on the page, and the waist of the trousers is so high that even Simon Cowell is thinking: "How is that not cutting off your circulation?" After all, Preston already looks like he's just escaped from your granddad's wardrobe with a big brown sack marked "SWAG" over his shoulder, so he'd fit right in. Pres's classic features would suit that nice buttoned cardi and those comfortable beige slacks perfectly, and you just know he already knows all the poses - meaningful-stare-into-the-distance, one-foot-up-on-a-rock-with-hand-cupping-chin, laughing-with-hand-on-child's-shoulder, running-across-beach-in-carefree-fashion...
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 Will Young
 We'd imagine something a bit more specialist for pop's Mr Posh, the world's foremost (and possibly only) chin model. Want the best possible chin to model the newest variety of beard? Will's your man. But don't think that's all he can do. Versatility is the most valuable tool in a model's clutchbag. Chin piercing? He doesn't currently have one (at least, to the best of our knowledge), but all the best models are blank canvases. And what about scarves? He could model some lovely ones, as long as he keeps his head tilted back a bit. That's before we even think about endorsement deals with moisturising creams, aftershave, razors, designer stubble (which is like the regular stubble you can buy in Boots, only with a fancy name on it and four times more expensive) - the possibilities are endless. We're thinking chin gloss, chin balm, chin implants...er, chin chilla... [You're fired - Ed.]
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 Dougie McFly
 All trainee hairdressers need models to help them practice their craft, and since Dougie has a new haircut approximately every 12 seconds, this could be the perfect job for him. It is actually an official scientific fact (we looked it up) that Dougie can get away with every type of haircut known to mankind, and also at least six that currently AREN'T known to mankind. In fact, Dougie's hair brain is so advanced that he'd be able to give the trainees a heck of an advantage - he'd be able to warn them the second they were about to cut it too short, or brush it in the wrong direction. That's how brilliant Dougie's sense of hair is. Then again, it could prove his undoing, because there's every chance he'd just grab the scissors and do it himself, then whip round and give the rest of the models a new 'do' before you can say "styling wax". The only other problem we can see is if Dougie turns out to be like Samson, where his hair is the source of all his strength. Would we really want to let amateurs loose on it?
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 Fergie Peas
 We love Fergie and her unique sense of fashion, and she's got a killer bod for modelling. Just one look at that fabulously toned stomach makes us all think of throwing away that chocolate bar and heading straight for the gym. In fact, we reckon she could make an excellent underwear model - after all, she's got a great figure, she's not afraid to show her body (or indeed her lovely lady lumps), and we're sure she could cause her fair share of traffic jams if someone were to give her an enormous billboard on which to pose in her not-very-much. We can think of a particular specialist area that would be perfect for Fergie, too - very sexy, feminine lingerie with the added bonus of having 50% improved absorbency over the other leading brands in case she got caught short on stage AGAIN! What d'you reckon, Fergs? They're waiting for your call...
Steve P
31/03/2006
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It's Party Time!  |
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We're having a party to celebrate the end of TOTP Online and the start of the Chart Blog...look who's here! |
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Big Bother |
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The normal show's over for another year, but there's still time to get our requests in for the next Celeb Big Brother... |
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When Song Titles Go Silly |
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Abandon sense, all ye who enter here to see the strangest song titles in pop history... |
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Dream TOTP Presenters |
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If only we'd had these people on our side, history would have been VERY different *sniff*... |
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Web-Singers |
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Five acts whose very career can be blamed on modern technology. |
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Doing It For The Kids |
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What if pop stars were left in charge of kids' TV for a day? Won't somebody think of the children? |
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Who Sean Did Next... |
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We all know Sean Paul likes to collaborate, but this is getting ridulous... |
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Take Cover! |
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Some popstars aren't so much people as forces of nature. Watch out for this lot... |
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The 5 Stages Of ROCK |
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OR: Why the humble whistle is the ultimate factor in deciding what ROCKS and what does NOT ROCK. |
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They Are The Resurrection |
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This lot didn't just cheat career death, they laughed in its face... |
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Britain's Next Pop Model |
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Mariah's planning to take the fashion world by storm, but she'll have to watch out for this lot... |
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Drama Queens |
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Forget reality TV - how would popstars fare in a TV drama? |
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Pop Conspiracies |
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Weird stuff happens in pop from time to time, it's enough to make some of us paranoid... |
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I'll Show YOU! |
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Popstars who should have left their egos behind, not their careers... |
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Crapper Rappers |
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Next time this lot pic up the mic, it had better be just to sing... |
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Reality Pop Stars |
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They've braved the glare of wall-to-wall cameras and survived. Well, mostly... |
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Indie-lympics |
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They're skinny, they're whiny, and they're doing it for Blighty! |
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Daft Predictions: 2006 |
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What will 2006 bring for this bunch of celebs? Are you sure you wanna know? |
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Secret Santa |
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If we were to give these popstars the perfect Chrimbo gift, we reckon these Xmas crackers would do the trick... |
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Xmas Turkeys |
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The kind of festive chart-toppers that would make Cliff Richard turn Scrooge. |
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Toy Story |
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Abandon your pressies! We bring you the pop toys you really wanted this Christmas, you lucky things! |
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Rock School |
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Girls Aloud are taking Biology, but who's got Double Maths, and who's hanging out behind the bike sheds? |
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Name Academy |
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Five acts whose names could've done with a re-think BEFORE the CDs got pressed up. |
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Food Fighters |
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As Snoop launches his own brand of Hot Dogg, we wonder who else will put their money where their mouth is. |
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Arty Popstars |
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They call themselves 'artists', but which pop stars would know one end of a gallery from the other? |
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Oi You! Outside Now! |
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If these chart rivals ever had to face-off in the pop ring, who would win? |
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Grow A Spine! |
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Some stars are wetter than others. Meet a few who you could wring out like a sponge... |
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Eaten By The Pop Beast |
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What's with all these bands losing members lately? Is it the work of some member-munching pop monster? |
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These Words...Are Bonkers |
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Never let a pop star sit down with a pen, they don't know what they're doing... |
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Too Long Titles |
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When it comes to picking short sharp song titles, this lot thought more was more... |
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Oi! Cheer up! |
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It's a case of one grump or two for these pop moodychops! |
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Charlie And The Mock-late Factory |
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The pop stars who narrowly failed to get a part in Willy Wonka (and not in a bad way...). |
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Parent Repellants |
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Playing your music loud is one thing, but bring home one of these bad boys and you'll be grounded into space dust. |
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Non-Stop Popsters |
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Rolling Stones are 40 years and still going. So, which of these pop gippers will be around in 2045? |
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Diet Hards |
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A cautionary tale for would-be dieters out there, in five easy to swallow pieces... |
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Bond Rocking Beats |
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Kanye and Robbie have sampled 007, but who else could remix a Bond theme? |
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Endorse-Mentalists |
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Is there ANYTHING that popstars won't sell on the side? Apparently not! |
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Y Kant U Spel Proply? |
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We asked a linguistics expert to mark pop songs for spelling mistakes. Just for fun! |
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Five acts we wanna see at Live 8 |
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No doubt about it, there's little to top that Live 8 lineup. Except... |
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Crooner Eclipse |
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We don't mind rappers acting the big 'I am', just as long as they don't sing... |
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Tell It To The Judge |
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They fought the law, and the law won (except when it lost). |
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Welcome Back! |
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The pop acts who YOU'D like to see strutting their stuff one more time... |
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Britney's Auction Items |
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Forget collecting the albums, these days fans want something a bit more personal from their fave stars... |
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The People That Elton Wronged |
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You don't have to be an incompetent journalist to earn a tongue-lashing from Lord Pop Almighty... |
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Lord Of The Blings |
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This lot weren't in the Lord Of The Rings films, but they should've been. Here's why... |
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You Still Here? |
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The bands who went past their sell-by date, and then reversed... |
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Ice Queens |
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These frosty popstrels could give scary lessons to the Blair Witch... |
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Have-A-Go Heroes |
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Trouble called, they answered. These pop stars are all Super Men (and woman). |
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Cover Calamities |
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If you love the song so much, why do you treat it so badly, popsters? |
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Skinny Indie Kids |
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Your mum thinks this lot could do with a good square meal, and she's not wrong... |
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