 |
|
| |
It's Party Time!  |
|
| |
We're having a party to celebrate the end of TOTP Online and the start of the Chart Blog...look who's here! |
|
|
| |
Big Bother |
|
| |
The normal show's over for another year, but there's still time to get our requests in for the next Celeb Big Brother... |
|
|
| |
When Song Titles Go Silly |
|
| |
Abandon sense, all ye who enter here to see the strangest song titles in pop history... |
|
|
| |
Dream TOTP Presenters |
|
| |
If only we'd had these people on our side, history would have been VERY different *sniff*... |
|
|
| |
Web-Singers |
|
| |
Five acts whose very career can be blamed on modern technology. |
|
|
| |
Doing It For The Kids |
|
| |
What if pop stars were left in charge of kids' TV for a day? Won't somebody think of the children? |
|
|
| |
Who Sean Did Next... |
|
| |
We all know Sean Paul likes to collaborate, but this is getting ridulous... |
|
|
| |
Take Cover! |
|
| |
Some popstars aren't so much people as forces of nature. Watch out for this lot... |
|
|
| |
The 5 Stages Of ROCK |
|
| |
OR: Why the humble whistle is the ultimate factor in deciding what ROCKS and what does NOT ROCK. |
|
|
| |
They Are The Resurrection |
|
| |
This lot didn't just cheat career death, they laughed in its face... |
|
|
| |
Britain's Next Pop Model |
|
| |
Mariah's planning to take the fashion world by storm, but she'll have to watch out for this lot... |
|
|
| |
Drama Queens |
|
| |
Forget reality TV - how would popstars fare in a TV drama? |
|
|
| |
Pop Conspiracies |
|
| |
Weird stuff happens in pop from time to time, it's enough to make some of us paranoid... |
|
|
| |
I'll Show YOU! |
|
| |
Popstars who should have left their egos behind, not their careers... |
|
|
| |
Crapper Rappers |
|
| |
Next time this lot pic up the mic, it had better be just to sing... |
|
|
| |
Reality Pop Stars |
|
| |
They've braved the glare of wall-to-wall cameras and survived. Well, mostly... |
|
|
| |
Indie-lympics |
|
| |
They're skinny, they're whiny, and they're doing it for Blighty! |
|
|
| |
Daft Predictions: 2006 |
|
| |
What will 2006 bring for this bunch of celebs? Are you sure you wanna know? |
|
|
| |
Secret Santa |
|
| |
If we were to give these popstars the perfect Chrimbo gift, we reckon these Xmas crackers would do the trick... |
|
|
| |
Xmas Turkeys |
|
| |
The kind of festive chart-toppers that would make Cliff Richard turn Scrooge. |
|
|
| |
Toy Story |
|
| |
Abandon your pressies! We bring you the pop toys you really wanted this Christmas, you lucky things! |
|
|
| |
Rock School |
|
| |
Girls Aloud are taking Biology, but who's got Double Maths, and who's hanging out behind the bike sheds? |
|
|
| |
Name Academy |
|
| |
Five acts whose names could've done with a re-think BEFORE the CDs got pressed up. |
|
|
| |
Food Fighters |
|
| |
As Snoop launches his own brand of Hot Dogg, we wonder who else will put their money where their mouth is. |
|
|
| |
Arty Popstars |
|
| |
They call themselves 'artists', but which pop stars would know one end of a gallery from the other? |
|
|
| |
Oi You! Outside Now! |
|
| |
If these chart rivals ever had to face-off in the pop ring, who would win? |
|
|
| |
Grow A Spine! |
|
| |
Some stars are wetter than others. Meet a few who you could wring out like a sponge... |
|
|
| |
Eaten By The Pop Beast |
|
| |
What's with all these bands losing members lately? Is it the work of some member-munching pop monster? |
|
|
| |
These Words...Are Bonkers |
|
| |
Never let a pop star sit down with a pen, they don't know what they're doing... |
|
|
| |
Too Long Titles |
|
| |
When it comes to picking short sharp song titles, this lot thought more was more... |
|
|
| |
Oi! Cheer up! |
|
| |
It's a case of one grump or two for these pop moodychops! |
|
|
| |
Charlie And The Mock-late Factory |
|
| |
The pop stars who narrowly failed to get a part in Willy Wonka (and not in a bad way...). |
|
|
| |
Parent Repellants |
|
| |
Playing your music loud is one thing, but bring home one of these bad boys and you'll be grounded into space dust. |
|
|
| |
Non-Stop Popsters |
|
| |
Rolling Stones are 40 years and still going. So, which of these pop gippers will be around in 2045? |
|
|
| |
Diet Hards |
|
| |
A cautionary tale for would-be dieters out there, in five easy to swallow pieces... |
|
|
| |
Bond Rocking Beats |
|
| |
Kanye and Robbie have sampled 007, but who else could remix a Bond theme? |
|
|
| |
Endorse-Mentalists |
|
| |
Is there ANYTHING that popstars won't sell on the side? Apparently not! |
|
|
| |
Y Kant U Spel Proply? |
|
| |
We asked a linguistics expert to mark pop songs for spelling mistakes. Just for fun! |
|
|
| |
Five acts we wanna see at Live 8 |
|
| |
No doubt about it, there's little to top that Live 8 lineup. Except... |
|
|
| |
Crooner Eclipse |
|
| |
We don't mind rappers acting the big 'I am', just as long as they don't sing... |
|
|
| |
Tell It To The Judge |
|
| |
They fought the law, and the law won (except when it lost). |
|
|
| |
Welcome Back! |
|
| |
The pop acts who YOU'D like to see strutting their stuff one more time... |
|
|
| |
Britney's Auction Items |
|
| |
Forget collecting the albums, these days fans want something a bit more personal from their fave stars... |
|
|
| |
The People That Elton Wronged |
|
| |
You don't have to be an incompetent journalist to earn a tongue-lashing from Lord Pop Almighty... |
|
|
| |
Lord Of The Blings |
|
| |
This lot weren't in the Lord Of The Rings films, but they should've been. Here's why... |
|
|
| |
You Still Here? |
|
| |
The bands who went past their sell-by date, and then reversed... |
|
|
| |
Ice Queens |
|
| |
These frosty popstrels could give scary lessons to the Blair Witch... |
|
|
| |
Have-A-Go Heroes |
|
| |
Trouble called, they answered. These pop stars are all Super Men (and woman). |
|
|
| |
Cover Calamities |
|
| |
If you love the song so much, why do you treat it so badly, popsters? |
|
|
| |
Skinny Indie Kids |
|
| |
Your mum thinks this lot could do with a good square meal, and she's not wrong... |
|
|
|
G4
It's a harsh measure I know, but think about it. The '4 have shamelessly buffed up loads of pop untouchables with their posh-ified breath ray, so we need someone who can dutty them up a bit, thus restoring them to their original glory. Sean's the bloke to do it. Plus, what with his a PHD in Mingling, Sean could integrate himself into a croc's nest at hatching time quicker than you can say "Oi! No Trainers!" He'll be in and purring rudisms before the boys can ask the butler to release the hounds. Game on!
OZZY OSBOURNE (CIRCA 1974)
You might not remember this, but some twenty years ago, Ozzy could do a lot more than dribble, fiddle with the remote and ride a quad bike. He was a blood-drinking, devil-worshipping, amp-humping MANIAC. He made Marilyn Manson look like Jamie Cullum during report week. So, we figure, Ozzy flips out, ladies scream, ladies faint, then what's this? It's little Seanie on hand with brow wipes and the molten smooch lips at the ready. Textbook!
THE GHOST OF FREDDIE MERCURY
No, wait. Just think of the video. Sean would be there, of course. A bevvy of babes would be in the wriggle booths, naturally. Maybe a bit of weather. Flames. All your usual Sean Paul video stuff. BUT, topped off with some ghost action. And Freddy's not exactly your sheet with eyes holes type of guy. Nothing but the finest piano-trashing, bum-pinching, nose-hair yanking japery for the almighty Mercury. Bring it on!
JANET JACKSON AT THE SUPERBOWL
Yeah! It's a scary thought innit. One thing's for sure though, if it had been Sean on nipple-liberation duties on that fateful night in '04, we'd have been washing bits of outraged America off our shores for weeks. None of your fake-shocked looks and squeaky apologies from Sean (shame on you, Timberlake). No, it'd be out with the chocolate sauce and sprinkles. Dutty boy!
PETE DOHERTY
It sounds like a crazy idea, but don't worry, we've thought this one through. A mix of shambolic indie and head-thumping reggae hop might sound like a chimp's day out in the studio, but in spite of all the hype (thanks, NME), it'll never happen. Sean will be there no doubt, but we all know that Pete will never show. Imagine, Sean Paul performing. All by himself. Crazy.