Dream TOTP Presenters |
If only we'd had these people on our side, history would have been VERY different *sniff*...
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 Scooby-Doo
 If there's one thing you can bet cash money on and be sure to win, it's that getting a cartoon dog with a speech impediment to present Top of the Pops is the kind of genius televisual idea you could build a media empire on.
Picture the scene: Robbie Williams is on stage, ready to start rocking with his latest single 'Radio'. All he's waiting for is for Scoob to tell everyone who he is and make with the witty chat. Naturally, the cowardly dog (Scooby, not Robbie) has an attack of stage fright. But will he do it for a scooby snack? You betcha!
Cut to Scoob, holding shiny microphone: "Rroinks! Rrrrear's Rorrie Rirriams riv ris roo ringle, 'Rario', Rooby Rooby ROOOO!"
Seriously, that's the kind of thing they give out BAFTA awards for...
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 Simon Cowell
 You would've thought someone had got Simon in to work his presentation magic on the Pops at some point, wouldn't you? Nuh-uh!
And frankly, good job too, bearing in mind the kind of cutting comments Simon is likely to end each and every performance with. Want examples? Glad you asked...
"And that was the dreary Travis with their uninspired and bland new song 'Sing'. Frankly, I wish they could. Here's Sophie Ellis Bextor...I'll be over there with my fingers in my ears..."
or "So, what to say about Blue there? The clothes are wrong, Antony's too old, Lee should just put a sock in it and Duncan could actually put a sock ON it. Anyway, here's Coldplay. Thank you, world."
or, most likely "(sigh) Well, it's not MY fault the Arctic Monkeys are No.1. Still at least they sacked the tubby one. Anyway, here's Westlife, and THEY ARE BRILLIANT! SERIOUSLY! BUY THIS RECORD, or it's 'UNCHAINED MELODY' TIME. AGAIN!"
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 Trisha
 After all that nastiness, what we need is someone with a more motherly touch to come and look after our grumpier stars. So who better than the lady who spends her working day keeping various shell-suited grumpoids from kicking hell out of each other?
Just imagine what she could do with them warring rappers? She could work some very impressive negotiations into the unpleasantness between, say Eminem and Moby. Or even better, how about G-Unit?
She'd start off having the Game on one of them ever-so-throwable comfy chairs they have, and he'd be trying to patiently explain the root causes of his 'beef' with 50 Cent. How reasonable he has tried to be, and how unreasonable his buff buddy is. All the while, there are backstage shots of Mr Cent looking more and more fed up.
Suddenly, Trisha brings Fiddy out, and he leaps up to confront his former rap partner. From there on, it's all a whirlwind of shouting, swearing and thrown chairs (see? Told ya!). Put that to a beat and you've got a million-seller, right there.
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 Homer Simpson
 In keeping with the latter-day Pops policy of bringing in unlikely presenter help from TV shows with a more adult slant, here's a balding father of three, with no real grasp of popular culture at all. Suddenly Jeremy Clarkson looks like a freakishy tall and badly-dressed Zane Lowe, eh?
Only there's no chance of Jeremy ever suddenly appearing on stage, say when McFly are rocking out with one of their out-rocking-est tunes, and elbowing Tom out of the way to have a go at singing himself, only to get the words totally wrong...
like "It's all about shoes, it's all about shoes baby..." or "C-C-C-Come home with me now, M-M-M-Must have some dinner, I wanna get some stew..."
or, even better "Obliviously, I fell on my knee, and tasted some wine, which seemed be fine but I know I never will be rude or buff so ner..."
Which, to our way of thinking, is a shame.
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 Thor
 Course, not EVERY act is going to suit being introduced by the God of Thunder (you religious types go right ahead and replace Thor with the deity of your choice now, y'hear?). But then, that's part of the fun. Imagine the look of sheer terror on the Vengaboys' collective face having just finished pretending to sing their latest junior Euro-trance offering only to have it described thusly (which is proper Godly talk for 'like this', y'know):
"THESE PUNY MORTALS BE AT NUMBER NINE WITH A MUSICAL OFFERING THEY HAVE ENTITLED 'BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM'. BUT HEAR THIS! COMPARED TO MJOLNIR - MY MIGHTY HAMMER - THEIR MUSIC IS AS A RAINDROP ON THE BACK OF A MIGHTY WAVE."
"SEE HERE, REGARD THE ONE YOU CALL BRITNEY SPEARS, BUT HER SPEARS ARE AS NOUGHT COMPARED TO MY IMMORTAL WEAPONRY. I WOULD NEED ONLY TO HIT HER ONCE, AND ONCE ONLY, AND SHE WOULD BE OBLITERATED. THERE IS NO NEED FOR A SECOND STRIKE. I HAVE SPOKEN."
Bet you any money Popworld are ringing him right now....
Fraser M
28/07/2006
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It's Party Time!  |
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We're having a party to celebrate the end of TOTP Online and the start of the Chart Blog...look who's here! |
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Big Bother |
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The normal show's over for another year, but there's still time to get our requests in for the next Celeb Big Brother... |
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When Song Titles Go Silly |
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Abandon sense, all ye who enter here to see the strangest song titles in pop history... |
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Dream TOTP Presenters |
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If only we'd had these people on our side, history would have been VERY different *sniff*... |
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Web-Singers |
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Five acts whose very career can be blamed on modern technology. |
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Doing It For The Kids |
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What if pop stars were left in charge of kids' TV for a day? Won't somebody think of the children? |
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Who Sean Did Next... |
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We all know Sean Paul likes to collaborate, but this is getting ridulous... |
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Take Cover! |
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Some popstars aren't so much people as forces of nature. Watch out for this lot... |
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The 5 Stages Of ROCK |
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OR: Why the humble whistle is the ultimate factor in deciding what ROCKS and what does NOT ROCK. |
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They Are The Resurrection |
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This lot didn't just cheat career death, they laughed in its face... |
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Britain's Next Pop Model |
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Mariah's planning to take the fashion world by storm, but she'll have to watch out for this lot... |
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Drama Queens |
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Forget reality TV - how would popstars fare in a TV drama? |
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Pop Conspiracies |
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Weird stuff happens in pop from time to time, it's enough to make some of us paranoid... |
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I'll Show YOU! |
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Popstars who should have left their egos behind, not their careers... |
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Crapper Rappers |
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Next time this lot pic up the mic, it had better be just to sing... |
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Reality Pop Stars |
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They've braved the glare of wall-to-wall cameras and survived. Well, mostly... |
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Indie-lympics |
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They're skinny, they're whiny, and they're doing it for Blighty! |
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Daft Predictions: 2006 |
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What will 2006 bring for this bunch of celebs? Are you sure you wanna know? |
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Secret Santa |
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If we were to give these popstars the perfect Chrimbo gift, we reckon these Xmas crackers would do the trick... |
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Xmas Turkeys |
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The kind of festive chart-toppers that would make Cliff Richard turn Scrooge. |
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Toy Story |
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Abandon your pressies! We bring you the pop toys you really wanted this Christmas, you lucky things! |
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Rock School |
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Girls Aloud are taking Biology, but who's got Double Maths, and who's hanging out behind the bike sheds? |
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Name Academy |
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Five acts whose names could've done with a re-think BEFORE the CDs got pressed up. |
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Food Fighters |
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As Snoop launches his own brand of Hot Dogg, we wonder who else will put their money where their mouth is. |
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Arty Popstars |
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They call themselves 'artists', but which pop stars would know one end of a gallery from the other? |
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Oi You! Outside Now! |
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If these chart rivals ever had to face-off in the pop ring, who would win? |
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Grow A Spine! |
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Some stars are wetter than others. Meet a few who you could wring out like a sponge... |
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Eaten By The Pop Beast |
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What's with all these bands losing members lately? Is it the work of some member-munching pop monster? |
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These Words...Are Bonkers |
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Never let a pop star sit down with a pen, they don't know what they're doing... |
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Too Long Titles |
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When it comes to picking short sharp song titles, this lot thought more was more... |
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Oi! Cheer up! |
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It's a case of one grump or two for these pop moodychops! |
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Charlie And The Mock-late Factory |
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The pop stars who narrowly failed to get a part in Willy Wonka (and not in a bad way...). |
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Parent Repellants |
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Playing your music loud is one thing, but bring home one of these bad boys and you'll be grounded into space dust. |
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Non-Stop Popsters |
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Rolling Stones are 40 years and still going. So, which of these pop gippers will be around in 2045? |
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Diet Hards |
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A cautionary tale for would-be dieters out there, in five easy to swallow pieces... |
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Bond Rocking Beats |
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Kanye and Robbie have sampled 007, but who else could remix a Bond theme? |
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Endorse-Mentalists |
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Is there ANYTHING that popstars won't sell on the side? Apparently not! |
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Y Kant U Spel Proply? |
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We asked a linguistics expert to mark pop songs for spelling mistakes. Just for fun! |
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Five acts we wanna see at Live 8 |
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No doubt about it, there's little to top that Live 8 lineup. Except... |
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Crooner Eclipse |
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We don't mind rappers acting the big 'I am', just as long as they don't sing... |
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Tell It To The Judge |
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They fought the law, and the law won (except when it lost). |
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Welcome Back! |
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The pop acts who YOU'D like to see strutting their stuff one more time... |
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Britney's Auction Items |
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Forget collecting the albums, these days fans want something a bit more personal from their fave stars... |
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The People That Elton Wronged |
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You don't have to be an incompetent journalist to earn a tongue-lashing from Lord Pop Almighty... |
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Lord Of The Blings |
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This lot weren't in the Lord Of The Rings films, but they should've been. Here's why... |
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You Still Here? |
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The bands who went past their sell-by date, and then reversed... |
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Ice Queens |
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These frosty popstrels could give scary lessons to the Blair Witch... |
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Have-A-Go Heroes |
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Trouble called, they answered. These pop stars are all Super Men (and woman). |
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Cover Calamities |
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If you love the song so much, why do you treat it so badly, popsters? |
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Skinny Indie Kids |
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Your mum thinks this lot could do with a good square meal, and she's not wrong... |
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