When Song Titles Go Silly |
Abandon sense, all ye who enter here to see the strangest song titles in pop history...
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 'Hips Don't Lie'
 There's LOADS of things hips don't do. Most of the things it is possible to do, in actual fact. Why pick on lying? They don't exactly tell the truth either, now do they?
That's the thing about hips, they don't say anything at all. They're hips. They don't cry, they don't eat, they don't text, they don't taste lovely on a plate with custard (unless you're a bit nuts, obv), they don't play the kazoo, they don't skateboard and they don't have their own pages on MySpace.
You can't plug earphones into them and take all your music with you on long journeys, you can't ring them an hour later than you were supposed to and get them to come and pick you up from a party, and you can't send them to your oldest friend on her birthday, so she can put them in a vase on the mantelpiece and brighten up her living room.
In fact, the only thing you can rely on Johnny Hip to do is help your legs move about, and prevent your trousers falling down. And even that last one is only with a lot of help from your bum, credit where it's due.
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 'Stars Are Blind'
 And here we are again. Some famous person decides to bully an inanimate object by pointing out its flaws. Talk about mocking the afflicted!
But hold on a second here, is it any wonder that stars - those great big boiling furnaces of gas in the night sky - have vision problems? For starters, it's terribly bad for your eyes to look directly into the Sun, right? Well, the Sun is just another star. So all a star is going to need to do is take a little look in a mirror - perhaps while cleaning its teeth - and it's going to fry its corneas out through the back of its own skull (which it doesn't have).
And once the damage is done, it's not like you can just put a nice pair of extra-thick glasses on a star, can you? Even if you got frames that didn't melt like a snowflake in the oven, any lens in front of a ball of fire that powerful will send a massive heat ray out through space, destroying everything in its path. Just ask your brother as he squats over the ants nest with his magnifying glass on a hot day.
So, all in all it's probably no bad thing that stars are blind. And at least they look pretty at night, which is more than we can say for SOME people, right Paris?
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 'She Moves In Her Own Way'
 Her own way? What does that mean? She walks on one hand and one foot? She bounces along on her head? She teleports? What's on your mind, Luke Kook?
If you're trying to suggest that the girl who goes to Kooks gigs "just to hear about my day" (*woop! woop! EGO ALERT!*) is some kind of amazing free spirit who won't be tied down by the rules imposed on her by society, well, how original is that, exactly?
Fair enough, she's some kind of radical free thinker who is actually more of a poet really and she won't ever compromise her principles ever ever EVER. And she's clearly a really inspiring person to be around and has totally changed your life with her passion and commitment and clever use of words. And in certain light, right, she could almost be a female version of Pete Doherty only without all the troublesome baggage...
...BUT! That's basically 98 oer cent of all teenage girls, isn't it? It's the other 2 per you wanna be writing a song about, fella...
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 'Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off'
 Well, there is SOME sense to this one, bearing in mind some of the activities that you can't do with your clothes on include swimming, sunbathing, and having a nice relaxing bath (we're not GOING THERE, pop pervs, so don't try and make us!).
But still...how come girls get all the credit for enjoying lying? Lying, right, is the most fun ANYONE can have short of sitting by your window with a big pile of rotten meat, waiting for [insert name of least favourite pop person here] and Chico to walk by. And here's why...
I just grew an extra arm. See? That was a lie. My mum is Cheryl Tweedy. There's another! Iron Maiden's favourite pudding is spotted dick. I don't even know if that was a lie or not, and I don't care! Hahahaha!
Frankly, if there's anything you can do in the nude which is more fun that making up stuff about things - in the nude (another lie) - it's possible the human frame cannot take it without bursting into flame.
Especially sex, which doesn't even come close. Unless it does, or not. Whatever.
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 'I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker (With Flowers In My Hair)'
 Is it possible to talk a song to death? If so, Sandi's ode to being a medieval serving wench with cowpat on her face must be pushing up the daisies with such force they become little flower rockets, heading into space at a ridiculous speed, and carrying a number of very surprised little ant-ronauts.
Cos the thing is, even if you put to one side the rubbishness of wishing you were born in another time to the one you actually live in (a good history teacher can be a curse as well as a blessing, it seems), what Sandi has done is cherry-pick the best bits of TWO different moments in recent history.
So, even if you were Sandi's fairy Godmother, you had the wand ready to go and you were whispering incantations under your breath, what you'd actually be granting your not-over-clever charge is the chance to get beaten up by punk rockers. They don't LIKE flowers in the hair, Sandi, that's what they were rebelling against, Sandi...It's like wishing to be the Liam Gallagher in a Blur tribute band, SANDI...
Fraser M
15/08/2006
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It's Party Time!  |
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We're having a party to celebrate the end of TOTP Online and the start of the Chart Blog...look who's here! |
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Big Bother |
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The normal show's over for another year, but there's still time to get our requests in for the next Celeb Big Brother... |
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When Song Titles Go Silly |
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Abandon sense, all ye who enter here to see the strangest song titles in pop history... |
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Dream TOTP Presenters |
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If only we'd had these people on our side, history would have been VERY different *sniff*... |
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Web-Singers |
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Five acts whose very career can be blamed on modern technology. |
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Doing It For The Kids |
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What if pop stars were left in charge of kids' TV for a day? Won't somebody think of the children? |
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Who Sean Did Next... |
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We all know Sean Paul likes to collaborate, but this is getting ridulous... |
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Take Cover! |
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Some popstars aren't so much people as forces of nature. Watch out for this lot... |
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The 5 Stages Of ROCK |
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OR: Why the humble whistle is the ultimate factor in deciding what ROCKS and what does NOT ROCK. |
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They Are The Resurrection |
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This lot didn't just cheat career death, they laughed in its face... |
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Britain's Next Pop Model |
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Mariah's planning to take the fashion world by storm, but she'll have to watch out for this lot... |
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Drama Queens |
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Forget reality TV - how would popstars fare in a TV drama? |
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Pop Conspiracies |
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Weird stuff happens in pop from time to time, it's enough to make some of us paranoid... |
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I'll Show YOU! |
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Popstars who should have left their egos behind, not their careers... |
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Crapper Rappers |
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Next time this lot pic up the mic, it had better be just to sing... |
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Reality Pop Stars |
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They've braved the glare of wall-to-wall cameras and survived. Well, mostly... |
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Indie-lympics |
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They're skinny, they're whiny, and they're doing it for Blighty! |
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Daft Predictions: 2006 |
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What will 2006 bring for this bunch of celebs? Are you sure you wanna know? |
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Secret Santa |
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If we were to give these popstars the perfect Chrimbo gift, we reckon these Xmas crackers would do the trick... |
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Xmas Turkeys |
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The kind of festive chart-toppers that would make Cliff Richard turn Scrooge. |
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Toy Story |
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Abandon your pressies! We bring you the pop toys you really wanted this Christmas, you lucky things! |
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Rock School |
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Girls Aloud are taking Biology, but who's got Double Maths, and who's hanging out behind the bike sheds? |
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Name Academy |
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Five acts whose names could've done with a re-think BEFORE the CDs got pressed up. |
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Food Fighters |
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As Snoop launches his own brand of Hot Dogg, we wonder who else will put their money where their mouth is. |
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Arty Popstars |
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They call themselves 'artists', but which pop stars would know one end of a gallery from the other? |
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Oi You! Outside Now! |
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If these chart rivals ever had to face-off in the pop ring, who would win? |
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Grow A Spine! |
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Some stars are wetter than others. Meet a few who you could wring out like a sponge... |
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Eaten By The Pop Beast |
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What's with all these bands losing members lately? Is it the work of some member-munching pop monster? |
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These Words...Are Bonkers |
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Never let a pop star sit down with a pen, they don't know what they're doing... |
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Too Long Titles |
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When it comes to picking short sharp song titles, this lot thought more was more... |
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Oi! Cheer up! |
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It's a case of one grump or two for these pop moodychops! |
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Charlie And The Mock-late Factory |
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The pop stars who narrowly failed to get a part in Willy Wonka (and not in a bad way...). |
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Parent Repellants |
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Playing your music loud is one thing, but bring home one of these bad boys and you'll be grounded into space dust. |
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Non-Stop Popsters |
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Rolling Stones are 40 years and still going. So, which of these pop gippers will be around in 2045? |
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Diet Hards |
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A cautionary tale for would-be dieters out there, in five easy to swallow pieces... |
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Bond Rocking Beats |
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Kanye and Robbie have sampled 007, but who else could remix a Bond theme? |
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Endorse-Mentalists |
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Is there ANYTHING that popstars won't sell on the side? Apparently not! |
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Y Kant U Spel Proply? |
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We asked a linguistics expert to mark pop songs for spelling mistakes. Just for fun! |
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Five acts we wanna see at Live 8 |
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No doubt about it, there's little to top that Live 8 lineup. Except... |
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Crooner Eclipse |
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We don't mind rappers acting the big 'I am', just as long as they don't sing... |
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Tell It To The Judge |
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They fought the law, and the law won (except when it lost). |
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Welcome Back! |
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The pop acts who YOU'D like to see strutting their stuff one more time... |
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Britney's Auction Items |
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Forget collecting the albums, these days fans want something a bit more personal from their fave stars... |
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The People That Elton Wronged |
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You don't have to be an incompetent journalist to earn a tongue-lashing from Lord Pop Almighty... |
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Lord Of The Blings |
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This lot weren't in the Lord Of The Rings films, but they should've been. Here's why... |
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You Still Here? |
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The bands who went past their sell-by date, and then reversed... |
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Ice Queens |
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These frosty popstrels could give scary lessons to the Blair Witch... |
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Have-A-Go Heroes |
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Trouble called, they answered. These pop stars are all Super Men (and woman). |
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Cover Calamities |
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If you love the song so much, why do you treat it so badly, popsters? |
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Skinny Indie Kids |
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Your mum thinks this lot could do with a good square meal, and she's not wrong... |
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