It's Party Time! |
We're having a party to celebrate the end of TOTP Online and the start of the Chart Blog...look who's here!
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 Jelly Furtado
 No self-respecting party is complete without a great big bowlful of the wobbly stuff all shaking and vibrating on the plate (easy there, Knowles, we'll get to you in time). Naturally our one is in the shape of that promiscuous girl, and it seems to have gone down a storm with the all-star guests. We overheard Tom McFly and Pete Wentz swapping tips on jelly-guzzling over in one corner. Tom was showing Pete how you can slurp it off your spoon through a tiny hole in your mouth, and Pete said, impatiently "man, eat her!", to which Tom replied "well, OBVIOUSLY, but how?", and then Pete said "like a bird!". Seriously, that's how they talk...
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 Justin Timbercake
 Some people wanted a fruitcake, but the Michael Jackson bakery said theirs weren't as good as they used to be (something about the icing on the front starting to melt off), and then they told us to beat it. Some people wanted an arctic roll, but the suppliers of that particular confection won't have anything to do with the Pops as they claim we cheapen their indie credentials, or something. And some people wanted a Victoria sponge. Well, one person. And he was outvoted on the grounds that he has a silly voice. Which left one option, a great big Sexy-Back-Forest Gateau. With an extra creamy sauce. And ladles-full of juicy goodness. Ladies only, apparently...
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 Blancmange Knowles
 Told you we'd get to you in the fullness of time, lady. Just as you can't make an omelette without breaking wind...is it wind?...no...EGGS, that's it!. Just as you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs, you also can't make a trifle without a layer of cooled custard. It keeps the jellyfruit from annoying the creamytop, and stops them naughty sponge fingers from nicking all the chocolate buttons off the top. Naturally, this has nothing to do with either Beyonce, her career, or her appearance at our party. This is largely because she's sitting in the VIP area - which is a roped-off corner of the village hall, next to where the chairs are stacked - staring at her shoes and peeling pastry off sausage rolls and then eating them with maple syrup. Weird woman.
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 Semolina Aguilera
 On every table of party food, there is a dish which no-one will eat. Sometimes it's a bean dip, sometimes it's sprouts, and in really extreme cases it's something WAY GROSS like tripe and jam fritters. At the Pops party, it's this waxy brew, which is orangey-brown on the top, white underneath, and served in a really dirrrty bowl, resting on a pair of pants. Course, there's always a few hardcore fans who'll claim it's the best thing they've ever tasted in their lives. And actually, when you try it, you realise there's a lot about it which is incredibly tasty and nutritious. It's just the way it looks which puts party people off. Maybe if it was re-made to look like the semolina they used to have in the olden days, and served in a genuine 1940s brass soup tureen, everyone would love it then.
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 Custed
 Everyone's in a bit of a state about this last course. The original plan was to have loads and loads of custed for everyone. There was gonna be at least three more courses of custed, with loads of new flavours and everything. But then, quicker than you can say 'What I Go To School Dinners For', all of the custed was taken away, and we were left with two replacement puddings, Angel Delightstar and Plum Of Dork, plus the late offering of something called a 'Flat Willis', which looks like a treacle tart, only covered in vines and bugs and nasty jungle mess. Frankly it just wasn't the same, and we all had to make do with some apple McPie with cream instead. Luckily it was lovely, and the party was SAVED!
Fraser M
21/11/2006
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It's Party Time!  |
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We're having a party to celebrate the end of TOTP Online and the start of the Chart Blog...look who's here! |
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Big Bother |
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The normal show's over for another year, but there's still time to get our requests in for the next Celeb Big Brother... |
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When Song Titles Go Silly |
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Abandon sense, all ye who enter here to see the strangest song titles in pop history... |
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Dream TOTP Presenters |
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If only we'd had these people on our side, history would have been VERY different *sniff*... |
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Web-Singers |
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Five acts whose very career can be blamed on modern technology. |
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Doing It For The Kids |
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What if pop stars were left in charge of kids' TV for a day? Won't somebody think of the children? |
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Who Sean Did Next... |
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We all know Sean Paul likes to collaborate, but this is getting ridulous... |
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Take Cover! |
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Some popstars aren't so much people as forces of nature. Watch out for this lot... |
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The 5 Stages Of ROCK |
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OR: Why the humble whistle is the ultimate factor in deciding what ROCKS and what does NOT ROCK. |
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They Are The Resurrection |
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This lot didn't just cheat career death, they laughed in its face... |
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Britain's Next Pop Model |
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Mariah's planning to take the fashion world by storm, but she'll have to watch out for this lot... |
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Drama Queens |
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Forget reality TV - how would popstars fare in a TV drama? |
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Pop Conspiracies |
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Weird stuff happens in pop from time to time, it's enough to make some of us paranoid... |
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I'll Show YOU! |
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Popstars who should have left their egos behind, not their careers... |
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Crapper Rappers |
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Next time this lot pic up the mic, it had better be just to sing... |
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Reality Pop Stars |
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They've braved the glare of wall-to-wall cameras and survived. Well, mostly... |
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Indie-lympics |
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They're skinny, they're whiny, and they're doing it for Blighty! |
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Daft Predictions: 2006 |
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What will 2006 bring for this bunch of celebs? Are you sure you wanna know? |
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Secret Santa |
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If we were to give these popstars the perfect Chrimbo gift, we reckon these Xmas crackers would do the trick... |
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Xmas Turkeys |
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The kind of festive chart-toppers that would make Cliff Richard turn Scrooge. |
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Toy Story |
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Abandon your pressies! We bring you the pop toys you really wanted this Christmas, you lucky things! |
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Rock School |
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Girls Aloud are taking Biology, but who's got Double Maths, and who's hanging out behind the bike sheds? |
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Name Academy |
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Five acts whose names could've done with a re-think BEFORE the CDs got pressed up. |
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Food Fighters |
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As Snoop launches his own brand of Hot Dogg, we wonder who else will put their money where their mouth is. |
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Arty Popstars |
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They call themselves 'artists', but which pop stars would know one end of a gallery from the other? |
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Oi You! Outside Now! |
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If these chart rivals ever had to face-off in the pop ring, who would win? |
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Grow A Spine! |
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Some stars are wetter than others. Meet a few who you could wring out like a sponge... |
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Eaten By The Pop Beast |
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What's with all these bands losing members lately? Is it the work of some member-munching pop monster? |
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These Words...Are Bonkers |
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Never let a pop star sit down with a pen, they don't know what they're doing... |
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Too Long Titles |
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When it comes to picking short sharp song titles, this lot thought more was more... |
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Oi! Cheer up! |
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It's a case of one grump or two for these pop moodychops! |
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Charlie And The Mock-late Factory |
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The pop stars who narrowly failed to get a part in Willy Wonka (and not in a bad way...). |
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Parent Repellants |
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Playing your music loud is one thing, but bring home one of these bad boys and you'll be grounded into space dust. |
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Non-Stop Popsters |
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Rolling Stones are 40 years and still going. So, which of these pop gippers will be around in 2045? |
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Diet Hards |
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A cautionary tale for would-be dieters out there, in five easy to swallow pieces... |
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Bond Rocking Beats |
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Kanye and Robbie have sampled 007, but who else could remix a Bond theme? |
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Endorse-Mentalists |
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Is there ANYTHING that popstars won't sell on the side? Apparently not! |
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Y Kant U Spel Proply? |
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We asked a linguistics expert to mark pop songs for spelling mistakes. Just for fun! |
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Five acts we wanna see at Live 8 |
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No doubt about it, there's little to top that Live 8 lineup. Except... |
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Crooner Eclipse |
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We don't mind rappers acting the big 'I am', just as long as they don't sing... |
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Tell It To The Judge |
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They fought the law, and the law won (except when it lost). |
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Welcome Back! |
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The pop acts who YOU'D like to see strutting their stuff one more time... |
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Britney's Auction Items |
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Forget collecting the albums, these days fans want something a bit more personal from their fave stars... |
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The People That Elton Wronged |
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You don't have to be an incompetent journalist to earn a tongue-lashing from Lord Pop Almighty... |
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Lord Of The Blings |
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This lot weren't in the Lord Of The Rings films, but they should've been. Here's why... |
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You Still Here? |
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The bands who went past their sell-by date, and then reversed... |
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Ice Queens |
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These frosty popstrels could give scary lessons to the Blair Witch... |
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Have-A-Go Heroes |
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Trouble called, they answered. These pop stars are all Super Men (and woman). |
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Cover Calamities |
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If you love the song so much, why do you treat it so badly, popsters? |
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Skinny Indie Kids |
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Your mum thinks this lot could do with a good square meal, and she's not wrong... |
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