Entertainment & Arts

Ronnie Corbett's best jokes

Entertainer Ronnie Corbett, best known for The Two Ronnies, has died aged 85, his publicist has said.

Here are some of his best jokes:

A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.

We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.

There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand.

For some time, my wife's had this ridiculous idea that I'm playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: "Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!". And I'll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don't expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night.

This is a message for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: Breakfast was served three days ago.

French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders' sit-in.

West Mercia police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.

It was revealed in a government survey published today that the prime minister is doing the work of two men, Laurel and Hardy.

We'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame.

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.

We've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.

A grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins. His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a fortnight.

Today is our anniversary. It's just 12 years ago today when she said "I do". It certainly surprised me, because I didn't think she did.

That was the night when I leapt onto the dancefloor and did my rather racy impression of John Travolta. I suppose it must have been the animal in me. Well, I had a ferret down my trousers.

This new controller thinks I am the funniest man in Britain. He's been told to stay in bed and take things easy for a while.

I remember that day clearly, because it was the one day there wasn't a sale at Allied Carpets.

This joke dates back to 256 BC which, as scholars of ancient Egypt will know, was the year of the famous wildcat strike by the amalgamated union of eunuchs and allied sopranos, in a dispute over severance pay.

Since the last joke, I'd like to thank all those of you who have written in with suggestions about what I can do with my act, one or two of you with diagrams.

Offers of work have been flooding in. Last week I was invited to go on a round-the-world cruise. By the chairman of the Flat Earth Society.

This week I was asked to do a very important after-dinner speech. I said: "Do you want me to be funny?" They said: "No, just be yourself."

Related Topics

More on this story