Off The Bawl - 8 November

By Tam CowanOff the Ball presenter
Tam Cowan and Stuart Cosgrove

Greeeeeetings!!! And we start with an email from James in Edinburgh that was sent to last week's Off The Ball Sunday Supplement.

He said: "After you mentioned the Movember campaign on yesterday's show, I made my way to the Ross County v Aberdeen game and was pleasantly surprised by the amount of beards, moustaches and even sideburns on show. You've really got to hand it to those Aberdonian women..."

Our guests in the studio were the former Hibs and Falkirk striker Tam McManus (currently plying his trade in the USA) and Radio Scotland pundit Derek Ferguson, a man who hates being constantly referred to as Barry Ferguson's brother. So we introduced him as Agnes Ferguson's nephew...

In the week that a Glasgow pub held an Ugly Woman Contest (we thought Glasgow pubs had one of those every night of the week), we posed the question: He/She Had A Face Like A...?

We also had another plug for Movember courtesy of our Team of the Week - The Facial Hair XI - and we invited listeners to suggest a James Bond song that could be dedicated to a Scottish football legend.

So, here's another selection of the most petty and ill-informed texts and emails on radio...


Stephen in Bothwell said: "He's got a face like a peeled pomegranate."

Glenn on Skye said: "She's got a face like she was weaned on a pickled onion. Or... he's got a face like he was running behind a gritter."

Allan Morrison said: "He's got a face like sherbet in a puddle."

Stevie Brooks in Anniesland said: "He's got a face like a butcher's pocket."

Stevie from Aberdeen said: "He's got a face that looks like it was set on fire and put out with a golf shoe. Or... he's got a face like a bucket of smashed crabs."

John in Dunfermline said: "He's got a face that you couldnae mark with an axe."

Al in East Kilbride said: "He's got a face like a stood-on tattie."

Gaz in Glasgow said: "He's got a face that would scare rats off a dump."

Colin in Livi said: "He's got a face like a stuntman's knee."

Snudge in Glasgow said: "He's got a face like an Asda bag of fire-damaged Lego."

Karen from Oban said: "He's got a face like a pig's erse on a frosty morning."

Jack from Killie said: "He's got a face like a tuna and banana pizza."

Iain Baikie in Aberdeen said: "He's got a face like the wrong side of a rowie."

And the ultimate insult? Mike in Edinburgh said: "He's got a face like Tam Cowan."


The Facial Hair XI (aka Partick Bristle)

Manager: Howard Wilkinson Sword

1/ Gilette Rousset

2/ Razor Wishart

3/ Tache McKinlay

4/ Alan Mutton-chops

5/ Dave Hairy

6/ Handlebarry Ferguson

7/ Peter Beardsley

8/ Bic Charnley

9/ Mixu Zapatalainen

10/ Tony Goatee

11/ Tommy Sideburns


Harry M said: "Licence To Kill - Gregor Stevens."

Jake from Motherwell said: "You Only Live Twice - Rangers FC."

Debbie in Aberdeen said: "All Time High - George O'Boyle."

Davie said: "Kilmarnock FC - For Your Pies Only."

To join in the fun on this Saturday's show, call 0500 929500, text 80295 or email

Listen to the most recent Off the Ball programmes.

Download the latest Off the Ball podcast.